COOP-ERATIVE CONSOLIDATION

Right now, the Coop has a department for just about everything. In other words, it's wasting a ton of money on several mediocre departments rather than bolstering its good ones. Now that the Coop has its new board of directors, we at Dartboard decided to make a few suggestions for that fine organization's future.

First of all, get rid of the chocolate section. With Cardullo's next door, there's not much need for a few aging truffles. (On the other hand, the candy department always offers a free cash register for buying notebooks at the beginning of the semester.)

In fact, we say can the whole food thing. Which student will think of the Coop when, at 12:30 a.m., the need for a pound of Oreos becomes all too clear? The Coop just doesn't have the hours or the selection to be a first choice for munchies. Christy's, Store 24 and Sage Jr.'s, though they're horribly over-priced, know how to handle late-night cravings. Anybody who buys a pound of Oreos in broad daylight, well, they should shop at the Coop.

We'd also like to point out the clothing department, particularly the big Levi's section. With Mass Army Navy right up the street and the Gap in the other direction,why would students buy jeans at the Coop?

One even has to wonder about the Harvard insignia department. On a recent visit, an employee of the Coop told Dartboard that they carried only two kinds of Harvard sweatpants. Meanwhile, J. August has four, in four different colors! In addition, J. August offers a 10 percent discount to students, unlike a certain rebate-less organization we could name.

Why does the Coop exist? To carry textbooks, offer posters in September, sell a few clothes, perhaps, and offer a good deal on CDs--if you get a frequent buyer's card and take advantage of student discounts. But outside of that, we can't really say. It's time to jettison those weak departments, even if they do fill up all the space in that huge building. Daniel Altman

SAFE SEX AT PUSEY

A romp in the stacks of Widener has long been a venerable Harvard tradition. And the new locales we've found for love have spread to the Dunster courtyard and The Crimson Sanctum. Unfortunately, the recent accident that befell Professor Fernald at Pusey Library makes us lament that never will its motorized stacks join these lovers' lanes.   Patrick S. Chung

AND THE WINNER IS... OOPS!

It's too easy. It's just too easy! It's just too goddamned easy! Oh what the hell, who are we trying to impress?

We at Dartboard are proud to announce this year's winners of the Levenson Prize... Oh wait, we're sorry. The Salient beat us to that one.

The distinguished gentleman from the Salient, Matt L. Bruce '96, may have printed the names a bit too early, but let's not be too critical. After all, we commend Mr. Bruce for his efforts to grab corporate sponsorship for the competition, by running the names of the Levenson winners within a box advertising Domino's Pizza.

Now we at Dartboard do not pretend to be layout geniuses, but perhaps Bruce's little congratulatory note should have taken up its own box, outside of the Domino's Pizza ad. Still, corporate sponsorship is not so bad an idea. With the way the Salient's budget is going (away), perhaps next year Domino's Pizza might sponsor the Salient, too. Thirty minutes of less, or your money back!

But in order to be fair, let's allow Mr. Bruce to have his piece, OK?

"The incident reflects the fact that human beings, are very,very imperfect people," he says.Sir,is that imperfect or incompetent?

"And reflects the fact that if somebody in a position of power does something phenomenally stupid it can have disastrous consequences," he continues. Wait a minute, the editor of the Salient is a "position of power." I guess my dog's in a position of power as well.

Bruce's delusions of grandeur aside, we at Dartboard must say we enjoyed watching Bruce and Harvard's own wannabe Corrupt Politician Randall A. Fine '96 scramble and dissemble in an attempt to keep the Salient from seeing the light of day. Perhaps they should try that for next issue as well.   Steven A. Engel

THE BEER FLOWS FREELY HERE

Oh, the Undergraduate Council.The poor, poor Undergraduate Council. The amount of verve they put into running their circuses really makes our hearts here at Dartboard bleed. This time, though, we have to give them credit for effort. The council is like the little train that could--it huffed and puffed, and negotiated at length with the Administration and with the city of Cambridge to be able to serve free beer at its recent Springfest. And it did! The MAC Quad was drowning in free beer last Saturday for all those who would care to indulge. Too bad we didn't.

Council member Rudd W. Coffey '97, with unbridled befuddlement, lamented the left-over keggers: "I was expecting a lot more people to be psyched for free beer." So were we, Rudd. So were we. Just goes to show you that what Harvard students expect from its student government isn't free beer and pop music on the lawn. It's a real mandate, some real accountability, and our favorite council members in a dunk-tank on the lawn.   Patrick S. Chung