FOR MANY OF US, Spring Break is the time of beer, beaches and boinking. For others, it is thesis crunch week. And for still more, it's just another nine days to have neurotic tizzy fits. Occasionally, like the writer of one of the postcards I received this week, Spring Break is a haven for the surreal. One of my readers seems to have spent Spring Break waiting for my next column...

Dear Longing,

Considering that I didn't receive your postcard before the three days were up, I assume you have been eaten. Oh, well. You should have used Fed Ex. If, for some reason, you get this week's FM and you're still alive, here's my advice: first, eat the pigeon-you must be hungry; second, save yourself and join the Boston Church of Christ like they've asked-it's not a cult, really!

Dear Norma,

I have been in love with the same woman since spring of my first year. I am now a senior and cannot shake the feeling that I will love her forever. Forever seems like a very long time to love someone who lived in Weld. I could have just bedded her but she has a boyfriend. She seems apathetic about him and I must wonder if this is the window to my last chance. My question remains, as it has since the Bush years: will the Dodgers win the pennant? Bewitched, Bothered and Confused in Cabot

Dear Bewitched,

I think you should be very careful. If you try to climb in through a window that isn't open or isn't open for you, you may end up with one confused lady and one angry boyfriend. You should play "rear window" for a week or so. If she seems to be leaving it open a crack every night just for you, go for it. If she always locks up before bed, don't risk an ad boarding or a beating by smashing the glass with a rock. Remember: the Dodgers will only win the pennant if the Giants fall far behind.

Dear Norma,

I have a crush on you. The thought of your column sets my adrenal glands ablaze. Norma. Oh, Norma. It has been over a week since your column has made its way into my life. I just want Fifteen Minutes with your column. Fifteen Minutes after Fifteen Minutes after Fifteen Minutes. One might say--donning a droll aspect--I'd like several uninterrupted hours with you. I fear the approach of a miserable month. But enough about me! More more about you, Norma! Yes! Oh God yes!! Norma! Oh, Norma, I like it that way! Norma, you naughty littllloooohohohohoh

Jesus...Norma? Where did you learn how to do that-ha-ha-haaaaaat? Oh thank you heaven for the gifts I am receiving!!!!

I am you most devoted reader. I wish you peace and prosperity. I wish you health and happiness.   Clutching at Pillows in North

Dear Clutching,

Well. I must say I'm flattered by your letter. It's always nice to know I have devoted fans. Maybe if you send me your phone number, we can get together for fifteen minutes to discuss my column. Jacques has been away a long time...