Confidential Memorandum

To: Bill Gates

From: Matt Howitt

Date: April 12, 1995

RE: Win '95

Bill,

I am happy to report that your secret plot to systematically take over Harvard University through the Windows '95 beta program is going better than expected. At last count, nearly 150 Harvard undergraduates are under the influence of Microsoft's latest and greatest operating system, with more potential indoctrinates coming "on-line" every day.

Our initial assessment that there would be much excitement over the beta program here at Harvard proved correct. The "pulse" of the Harvard campus--the newsgroup harvard.general--was buzzing with activity about the coming of the Win '95 messiah when the Harvard Computer Society (HCS) made the announcement in February.

I listened with glee as an HCS "insider" recounted how he had signed up more than 20 College students in a two-hour span. And those lemmings quickly followed the insider over the edge in installing Win '95 as the primary operating system on their computers. A flurry of messages filled a secret mailing list when testers, daunted by the brave new world, asked how they could "uninstall" the operating system.

Another user I know was so mesmerized by the Win '95 conspiracy that he became incoherent when the package arrived in the mail. He rushed into a computer science lecture--taught by a noted Microsoft wannabe, I mean, hater--with his eyes ablaze in anticipation. While he opened the simple, rectangular box and pulled out the documentation set, a series of ramblings that I couldn't make sense of--it was something like onlytwomeg, Ihaveonlytwomeg--fell from his lips. He hurried off with a pained look, on a beeline to the local computer store, I think.

A third user behaved the most strangely of all. Upon picking up his package at the superintendent's office of a certain river house, he let out an earth-shaking scream and dashed for his room. I made chase, watching him fumble for his keys at his door and then finally run to his room in the suite. What he did next puzzled me, but I can only interpret it as a confirmation of all that we have been working for.

He trekked over to his audio compact disc player, but raised his hand, preventing me from explaining to him that CDROM's couldn't be played on your average Sony shelf system. He reached for a compilation CD of all the James Bond movies and queued the CD to repeatedly play the introductory Bond theme. He then dashed around the room--in a frenzy I haven't seen since the OS/2 Presentation Manager days--making sure to hit the power switch on his computer before he got too tired.

From these three examples, I am sure that you can see very easily that the mind control is working very well. When the box comes in the mail, students are instantly diverted from all other school work to Windows '95. I have watched them--in controlled experiments behind mirrored glass, of course--"Winsurf" for hours. I am certain that even John Stafford, the HCS president who was quoted in the Crimson saying that he would resist installing Windows '95 until he completed some school work, is a convert.

When the final version of Win '95 ships (next century, perhaps?) Phase One of your master plan will be complete. A generation of college sloth, cut from your exemplary mold, will be born. Programmed to do your bidding, they will lead all users at Harvard down your wise path of computing. The Microsoft Revolution, unfinished when you expectedly left in the late 1970's, will finally be realized.

Matt Howitt '97, an economics concentrator, is a Crimson sports editor. He has worked as a quality assurance engineer for a computer networking company the past four summers. Despite his sarcasm, he is looking forward to being one of Bill's rank-and-file this summer. Occasionally, he is actually funny.