Describing being raped by her boyfriend during her first semester in college, Katie Koestner spoke of communication, responsibility and respect in a presentation at the Lyman Common Room last night.

"I believed I could say no, and he'd understand. Maybe that was totally naive," said Koestner, who has spoken to audiences around the country about date rape. "You have to talk. It's a matter of [men] having a reason to stop."

Koestner, 22, spoke last night for almost an hour, her voice breaking as she neared tears, to a completely silent group of nearly 50 women and about a dozen men.

She began with her account of being raped during her third week at the College of William and Mary by a man she had been dating. The end of her presentation focused on the lessons she had learned and advice for both men and women.

Koestner, whose story appeared on the cover of Time magazine in 1991, stressed the importance of mutual respect between men and women, as well as self-respect.

Men, she said, need to try to change their reputation.

"If I were a man, I would most of all hate that because of my gender I was a potential rapist. I would strive to change that," said Koestner, who graduated from William and Mary in May with a degree in public policy and women's studies. "I'm not afraid to beg you to help me."

Women, in turn, need to be more self-confident and assertive, she said.

"If you compromise yourself, if you don't stand up for yourself...there will be men to take advantage of you," she said.

After the presentation, one student in the audience asked Koestner if, after having the experience of educating students, she had come to view the rape as "worth it."

"I used to say definitely no. I thought it made my life...worth nothing," she said. "Now it's OK. I've learned a huge amount about myself and other people. I would have hated to gothrough life as naive as I was before."

"It's OK," she continued. "I've gone on. I'vedone a lot to help people, and it's helped me,too. It's OK, that's all."

Koestner gave an emotional and detailed accountof the rape, which took place in her dorm room themorning after an expensive dinner at a localFrench restaurant.

She fought off her boyfriend, who had tried topin her down on the floor after returning from therestaurant. But eventually, he gave up and fellasleep on Koestner's bed. Koestner said she spentthe night petrified and unable to sleep in thecorner of her room. But the next morning heapologized and talked her into getting into bed.

"He seemed so sincere. I decided he was tellingme the truth," Koestner said. "The worst choice Iever made in my life was to believe him, to trusthim."

Her boyfriend then pinned her against the walland raped her, she said.

Koestner was unsuccessful in pursuing criminalcharges against the man in question. She said hewas found guilty in a college hearing, but wassimply ordered him not to enter her dorm for therest of the semester.

She said she was ridiculed and harassed aftershe went public, and she spent her sophomore yearat Cornell.

"I think what attracted us to her is that herdemeanor is really appropriate," said Shar N.VanBoskirk '97, coordinator in the Lyman CommonRoom. "She's very young. She knows what it's liketo be in college. She knows the right way toapproach college students."

Koestner's presentation was cosponsored by theLyman Common Room, the Radcliffe Dean's Office andthe Harvard College Dean's Office.

Koestner said she first approached Harvardabout speaking here nearly three years ago, butwas turned down by administrators.

"The whole idea of rape is that smart womendon't get raped," Koestner said after herpresentation. "There's a lot of resistance amongadministrators and students. On the report card,Harvard does not score very well. There'sdefinitely a lot to be done here."

Koestner spent the day on campus, meeting withthe Administrative Board members in the morningand holding a panel discussion with members ofpeer counseling groups, including Response,Calling It Rape and Aids Education and Outreach,in the afternoon.

Koestner first spoke publicly about herexperience during the summer of 1991, the summerafter the rape. Speaking five or six days a week,she has been to nearly 80 high schools and a dozencolleges.

Koestner said she was nervous about coming toHarvard because she believes her rapist is inmedical school in the Boston area.

"I know he's walking around this very city. Iwas a little afraid to come here," she said. "I'mnot an actress. It hurts still. It's not goingaway.