"This is no cartoon!" says Tony, a stereotypical body building Italian chef, trying to keep others in touch with reality in "Slaw and Order," a student-written lunchroom mystery, continuing performance in the Leverett Old Library this weekend. Reflecting back to "Scooby Doo" days, one remembers the key elements to a good cartoon mystery: clues (slowly revealed, usually by Velma), suspense, a climactic ending and a rockin' Mystery Machine. It is possible to accept a lack of the Mystery Machine, due to the size limitations at the Leverett Old Library, but, one leaves "Slaw and Order" with a bad taste in his mouth, recalling another distant memory--a meal at the Union.

Unfortunately, the play fails in its "no cartoon" pledge, which ruins it on all levels. Although Tony tries to tell the audience that a play is not a cartoon, the writers, Liz Amberg and Richard Amberg, have not listened. Instead, they struggle with two opposing viewpoints. Is the play real or a cartoon? One wonders.

The scenery seems real enough. It is well utilized: a big window allows the audience to see passers-by in the background. Kitchen equipment is placed throughout the whitewashed scene. But, perhaps the scenery should not look so real. When the audience is introduced to the cafeteria workers, they are 100% cartoon. Comic in gesture and personality, even the way they walk off stage is Scooby-like. Left with two conflicting ideals, the play fails on both accounts.

Slowly, the plot develops; the audience watches the aforementioned Italian played by Kevin Krim, the dumb blond (Kristen Rolf), the girl with a cold (Ona Hahs) and the vulgar staff member who proudly wields her cigarette (Anna Lewis)--all under the direction of the constantly angry boss, Emily Stone's Marge (often called--surprise, surprise--Sarge). The action picks up when a health inspector, played by Mark Bagley, has to review the kitchen, which for years has passed the test. This time, things are different. Bagley portrays a slimy 70s type, who will only give the kitchen a passing rating if he receives his share of lettuce. Will he be murdered? After he offends each character in the play, a tedious process in itself, there is not much mystery.

Unfortunately, any audience member could have guessed the plot from looking at the program. In fact, the play lacks such originality and virtually all other plot twists may be determined from the program alone. This formulaic approach transcends all aspects of the script, humor to plot advancement, and ultimately fails.

Even Scooby found an occasional secret passage, inviting seven-year-old minds to probe further, asking "Who could possibly want to destroy the amusement park?" However, in this play, the plot does not draw one in. Even when the audience learns the identity of the murderer, the climax of the play, there seems no suspense because there is no logical reason for his (or her) guilt. There are no clues, no plot progression or twists. The line are stale and occasionally incoherent, tangential to strang degrees. When Marge delivers a line about the British Royal Army in the context of health inspection, no one laughs because no one understands what she is talking about.

The acting suffers because of the lack of dimensionality in the script. How can Stone show any acting skill, when she has to be "the angry boss" from start to finish? The other characters often fall into the same trap. Krim and Lewis are good actors with a bad script. So, their caricatures become borderline annoying, as they do not progress during the course of the play. The audience knows that Rolf, the blond, is dumb after five minutes of the play, but then must listen to every dumb line she submits. Hahs slips on a couple of her lines, which further prevents finding any reality within her character, while hindering the comic flow.

However, the minor characters, when the caricatures are supposed to be two-dimensional, provide needed entertainment. Sarah Hurwitz is an excellent pesky hall monitor, and Ethan Russel does a good job as El Roy, a stereotypical Hispanic delinquent. Both Edward Hale and Matt McHale slide by with his humorous facial gestures as a police officer and Shlah's, the immigrant janitor, respectively. Of course, by the end of the play, Shlah's single joke grows tiresome.

"Slaw and Order" serves up its best jokes when it tries to be a cartoon Laughter can abound at some of the recreations of the health inspector's death. Early on, he brings several moments of entertainment with his unctuous gestures. Later, a sub-plot, involving the unreaction of samplers brought out a few chuckles from the audience. But, these moments do not quite add up to a great play. Even Velma knows that it takes more than the discovery of a magnifying glass and phosphorescent paint to solve the crime.