Hello, freshmen!

You've parked your car in Harvard Yard. You've decided or fought over who got the single. You've told 5,000 people who you are and where you're from.

But, horrors of horrors, you don't know a darn thing about Harvard sports. And that's where I come in.

So listen up, and in five minutes you can know more about Crimson sports than most seniors. Excluding Mather House, of course.

Who's good? Who's not so good?

Men's ice hockey, women's lacrosse, and both squash teams are always pretty good. Same with men's swimming, the cross country teams and the tennis teams.

Men's soccer, men's volleyball, and women's field hockey were supposed to be better than they were last season. And the football team has a new coach from the University of Cincinnati, a division 1-A school that went 8-3 last year.

The other teams we like to refer to as "up and coming."

Wait a second. Who's this new coach?

He's Tim Murphy, who replaced Joe Restic in April. Restic retired after his 23rd year.

Restic was renowned for his innovative "multiflex" offense, which only six living people understand. And I am not one of them.

If you're interested, though, Mike Giardi '94 quarterbacked the team last year and will happily explain it to you, if you have a spare week or two.

He can sometimes be found at the Bow and Arrow pub when he isn't playing minor league baseball, but that won't help you much. God couldn't make an ID for a freshman that the Bow's bouncer wouldn't spot.

No, wait, go back to football. Does everyone go to the games?

Not really, except for the Yale game. It's not like you'll see the Crimson in the Rose Bowl this year.