Not being valedictorian of my high school class ruined my whole life.

Every day, I cry for about an hour when I remember watching someone else give the valedictory address. I wake up at night in a cold sweat from dreams of a class rank list without my name on top. Professors don't want me in their classes. Employers don't want to hire me. As the result of not being officially named No. 1, I have been reduced to a wreck, a clinging shadow of my former self.

Not

(See, Wayne managed to change the speech habits of a good part of the English-speaking world, and he wasn't a valedictorian.)

To be honest, not being valedictorian hasn't mattered in my life. Which is why, perhaps, I read the story of Paul Siemens '98 with such disbelief. Paul, in case you don't know, is suing his school district for unfairness. Not because he was forbidden from taking an important class, not because he was denied help because of his race, but because he thinks their system of determining valedictorians is unfair.

It's not that he thinks that somehow the school fudged the numbers to keep him out. No, Paul disapproves of the system they used to determine the valedictorian--i.e. double-counting the first semester of senior year.

He's taking the step of a lawsuit because, he says, not being valedictorian will hurt him when it comes to winning fellowships and finding jobs. And besides, he feels, he deserves to be NO. 1.

Poor baby. Forgive me for sounding harsh. But, despite what Mr. Siemens and his attorney would have you believe, this case isn't about students' rights or principles. It's about one high-schoolers acting ridiculous, as many high-schoolers do. Most, however, don't drag the judicial system into it.

Paul, if you're reading this, right how you're probably getting steamed. I'm sorry. But I've been at Harvard for three years, and with this depth of experience I should tell you something.

No one cares if you were high school valedictorian.

Yes, this is Harvard, where the view is skewed. But the fact is that more high school valedictorians apply here than could possibly get it at any one time. Because of that, Harvard has stopped using it as a criteria, really. Oh, being ranked number one in your high school class at the time of applying can't hurt your chances of getting in regularly or off the wait-list. But it's not of pre-eminent importance.

And that extends to fellowships and jobs one obtains through Harvard as well. Basically, unless you win the Nobel Prize in high school, it doesn't matter that much around the Office of Career Services. They're interested in what you've done at college. You know, college, the place without any parents to make you study and with lots of distractions to keep you away from the books.

It's Harvard. Everyone here assumes that you were brilliant in high school, that you racked up the honors, that you shone. (Or that a) you play hockey like a pro or b) Daddy, Uncle Biff, Granddaddy and Great-Granddaddy went here.) Everyone assumes that somehow you were great in high school. Everyone. Your dormmates, your teaching fellows, your career counselors.

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

Now, if you're not a Harvard student and you're reading this, you're no doubt thinking that I'm an insufferable brat, hopelessly lost in the quagmire of Harvard's superiority complex.