Do not be alarmed. What you are about to read may offend you. But that isn't altogether tragic, since what you are about to read is an irreverent but hopefully comical satire of Harvard students--the types they come in and the mannerisms that characterize them.

If you are sure that you belong to one of the groups I mock, then either you are right or you are wrong. If you are right, then accept it and laugh at yourself a little, or try to change (if I have rudely awakened you to a midcollege crisis). If you're wrong--well, hell, you won't know if you're wrong, anyway.

The act of classification, roughly speaking, involves the careful grouping of a large set of individuals into categories defined by the properties each member of that category possesses. So, if we survey the Harvard landscape, what do we find? Let's start with the phylum Euro-Trash-icus, the members of which hold the humble belief that Europe is the center of the universe, and, here on earth, the pinnacle of civilization and culture. You can recognize members of the phylum Euro-trashicus by their refusal to recognize you.

If they don't recognize you, it is invariably for one or more of the following reasons:

1)You don't live in Adams or Dunster.

2)You don't know the right people in Adams or Dunster.

3)You make too much eye contact.

4)You exhibit sensitivity, warmth or friendliness.

5)You haven't read any Foucault or you think he's worthless.

6)You weren't seen in Pamplona recently.

7)You don't smoke.

8)You don't have a Euro accent and can't effectively feign one.

9)You aren't studying literature.

10)You aren't both liberal and elitist.

Your attire can also be a cause of non-recognition, especially if it is fashioned by J. Crew. For the Euro-Trashicus, clothing is acceptable only if it conforms to one or more of the following conditions: