Just as Nancy and Tonya have left our television screens, it appears that our beloved mass media has found another feast to proffer restless Americans. These days, the name of Michael Fay, the American teen vandal who will soon be caned in Singapore, constantly comes up on talk shows.

Some Americans are outraged at the cruel punishment Fay will receive for what seems like a rather insignificant crime. Others congratulate the Singaporean government on its impending human pinata-fest. More than one stodgy middle class American who has had the antenna ripped off his car has said, "All I know, Geraldo, is that Fay kid sure won't be picking up any spray-paint cans any time soon!"

The debate rages on: Is life better here, with our broken antennas, or in Singapore, with a few broken behinds? I offer the letter from my Singaporean friend, Hap Pee Man, for the enlightenment of news-starved Crimson readers:

Dear Martin,

How are things in that so-called "society" of yours? I hear that Singapore, my glorious city of a home, is in the news these days in your country--chaotic, crime-infested America! I hope all this media attention will encourage some of your non-criminal elements to spend some tourist money here.

After all, surely many of you now realize that Singapore is a city-state in which no one fears crime and lawlessness. I am quite certain that the few of you law-abiding Americans could use a break from fleeing the gangs of Los Angeles and running in terror from the squeegie men of New York. Why not take that vacation in Singapore?

I know that many of you understand why that teenage punk is getting what he deserves. Here in Singapore, we believe in making criminals, and not crime, pay. All of your State Department's fancy talk about "Rights" is ill-spent indignation. We Singaporeans understand that it is the law-abiding citizens whose rights should come first. And our infinitely wise government has preserved these rights successfully. How? By meting out the occasional harsh punishment to criminals. Sure caning is no picnic, but every would-be criminal in our country knows that the consequences of being caught surely outweigh the momentary pleasure he might derive from his crime.

For all of your American talk of "Civil Liberties" and "Individual Rights," why does your country incarcerate more people per capita than any other country in the world, including South Africa? What's more, only one fourth of all of your criminals serve any prison time at all, while the rest walk the streets, terrorizing your besieged people!

Why has this lamentable condition of your society come to exist? Simply because you Americans don't believe in old-fashioned deterrance.

You claim that you don't believe in caning. Tell that to Rodney King! Your policemen understand the need for such punishment, but are too embarrassed to do it in public, with government sanction. Instead, you can in secret, losing all of the beating's value in deterrance.

With our system, which makes an example out of criminals, we have created a model society. Without any significant crime on our streets, we have pursued an economic miracle. Singaporean industry thrives. American companies like Coca-Cola, Exxon and IBM all invest in Singapore because they can make money in our country.

What's more, our poor people receive quality government-subsidized housing and cheap but excellent health care. Most importantly, we live free from the fear of criminal anarchy.

Oh! I shouldn't have started talking about our beloved Singaporean government. As a matter of fact, the government is so dear to me that I think of it as a member of our family, like a big brother, really.

Our big brother is so kind as to read all of the publications in Singapore, to make sure they don't say anything bad or false. Also, in case one of those pesky "dissidents" stars whining about this or that, our big brother promptly shuts him up and puts him in prison, where he can't annoy us. In 1987, our big brother put away nearly 100 of those political whiners, without wasting even a dollar of my tax money on a single trial.

Before I finish this letter, I need to ask a small favor, Martin. I wanted to know who has won the last 23 World Series championships since 1971. You see, the government shut down our last newspaper back then, and it's very difficult to obtain a copy of any newspapers unless one is willing to make the trek to a foreign embassy. Consequently, we're sometimes not completely up to date in our knowledge of current events.

Anyway, I do hope you'll visit soon. Just remember when you get here that no chewing gum is permitted, and on the subway from the airport to my house, under no circumstances should you eat or drink anything. After all, you wouldn't want to end up with a cane on your smooth, unscarred, American tuches. But I'm sure you'll understand the inconvenience. Because you understand that in Singapore, we care about law and order. Talk to you soon, and be careful on those American streets! Your content pen-pal,   Hap Pee Man

There you have it, straight from my Singaporean pen-pal. I don't know about you, but I think I'll leave the "visiting" of Singapore to those big American conglomerates who make fine products for us. I never liked pinatas anyway.