This weekend, Fair Harvard's campus will be crawling with hundreds of loud, overbearing college runts. They'll be in suit-and-tie and lady-like dresses, trying to impress the hell out of other not so well-dressed college runts.

Yes, it's time once again for the Harvard Speech and Parliamentary Debate Society's annual tournament--the self-proclaimed "most prestigious" in the circuit. The best and brightest in the nation--the rest of them, we mean--will be here this weekend, spurting various pithy and pseudo-intellecual statements.

As they course through the Yard gabbing on and on about how ridiculous the Gov's (that's government's) or Opp's (that's opposition's) argumentation was, we want you to consider harnessing this talent for your own good.

If you've ever needed to fudge your way through something--and we mean serious B.S.--you'll appreciate what these folks can do for you. They spend their college careers learning how to make convincing arguments about why "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder," or "Fashion is the bane of existence." Compared to these BIRT (that's "be it resolved that") statements, or rezes (that's resolutions), your simplistic "Why my essay was late" or "I didn't know I was plagiarizing" are child's play.

Approach one of these eager-beaver debaters and ask a really hard question. You might want to bring a dictaphone to capture the 15-minute spew, too. Just assure the lad that he won't be punished for going over the time limit, and try to deconstruct his constructive.

Amazing how you never realized how much use these characters could be, huh? The ability to communicate and persuade effectively is powerful skill.

Now all they have to do is learn to listen.