VOTE CRAPP, the modified poster of Geoffrey C. Rapp '98 now reads. Perhaps an appropriate reminder of the value of this week's Undergraduate Council elections.

The first-year candidates for the council are as generic as supermarket-brand cereal. Every first-year campaign poster is printed on the same copy-store flourescent orange paper; each reveals little or no information about the candidate. Therefore, I decided to perform my civic duty the hard way, investigating some of the declared candidates for the benefit of the electorate.

For example, Eric M. Silberstein '98 told me he was a candidate for the council because he's "always been class president." He has no particular platform, but if he could change one thing about the council, it would be the organization's "poor image." While the council's notoriety has been well-earned, Silberstein failed to specify any substantive reforms.

Since so few of the candidates actually have a platform, I decided toss one cut.

"If elected, will you defend Hurlbut " I asked Kris N. Thiessen '96. "DEE-fend," boomed, affecting a political in a southern twang. "Of course. But, let me add a clause to that: I will defend all of Harvard University--especially the dorms which I represent."

Savvy Jason E. Schmitt '98 wouldn't even respond to my questions until he knew exactly what type of article I was writing. "Well, I'm just trying to determine where you guys stand on some issues," I explained.

Then I threw the most important campaign issue at him: "Will you defend Hurlbut; protect it against slander, not only in the council, but around campus; ensure that it receives equal treatment; and represent it as you would any other dormitory?"

Schmitt responded: "Given that it is part of my district, of course. Hurlbut is important."

And the now-infamous Geoff Rapp confirmed that there really are "no campaign issues which divide the candidates." He, on the other hand, has a cohesive platform that could prove popular with Canaday residents.

"Turn off the bell," his posters read, referring to the 60 chimes set off each day at Memorial Church at 8:45 a.m. In a seemingly logical position, he suggests, "Let's change it to have the bells ring nine times at 9:00. It's at least worth investigating."

"Justify for me, if you will, the existence of the Undergraduate Council," I asked an uncertain Jinesh N. Shah '96. His answer had something to do with school unity, umbrella organizations and e-mail bulletins.

If you have a concern of any type, notify Shenkiat Lim '96. Even though he hasn't "thought about [his platform] too much," Lim is very opinionated on every issue. When I asked him if he will defend Hurlbut, he replied, "I will stand up for all students. I won't just stick up for [my dorm]." On the Coop: "Though I think it has a monopoly, I don't think it should be dismantled." On handing out condoms with dinner: "If such a measure came up [in the council], I wouldn't object." On Internet pornography: "I'm not in favor of restrictions on access. I have seen it and I believe in people's privacy."

Sassy Nathaniel A. '96 would probably vote with Lim on the porn issue. His posters attempt to engage the constituent through primitive advertising. "Sex Sex Sex," they read, glosting about how they "are more interesting than those of other candidates, a reflection of true dedication" [on part?].

And if you were to e-mail , the council hopefuls would you (as they told me) that they crop of honorable men and women who promise to .

Joshus A. Kaufman will spend the day living in .