"I feel so removed from Christmas," a friend said to me at brunch the other day. With lights hoisted proudly above Harvard Square minutes after Thanksgiving turkey had been bought, and merchants popping their holiday music mixes into their store-wide cassette players, clearly the Great American Shopping Fest had begun.

The past two years have seen "practical" gifts in the midst of the recession, but this year, merchants are taking chances and presenting the public with a more whimsical selection, re-invigorating with zest the rampant commercialism and excess which powers the nation.

And whilst all this hoopla works itself into a frenzy around us, it's too easy to shrug it off; after all, who wants to battle the novelty-seekers, the sales-people, the challenge of reading the wishes of your closest friends and relatives? If you had $1,000, of course, you could buy almost anything in the Square that struck your fancy. With $1,000, you could gauge just how much the Square is willing to offer you. Walk into a store and ask them to spend $1,000 for you. What you get is the finest sampling that Harvard can offer.

So with that interesting premise (or is it trivial? Trivial but interesting? Trivial and uninteresting? If the latter, stop reading here. I myself was a bit ambivalent about the whole mess, until I started...), a research team and I went out into the field to uncover a snapshot of Harvard Square's offerings this holiday season.

EAT. DRINK. AND BE MERRY

For $1,000 appetizers, why not try 20 ounces of Beluga caviar (Table water crackers, $3 per box), or 98.33 ounces of fois gras pate with truffles, or prepare something for yourself with 20 French truffles ($50 per 1-oz. truffle). Wash it all down with the popular $700-per-bottle special-order Chateau Petrus 1985 (red), all from Cardullo's, 6 Brattle Street.

For something a bit heavier, what about 400 pounds of crunchy chicken salad, from Barsamian's in the Shops by Harvard Yard? At an average of 3.5 pounds per chicken, that's 114 chickens.

For dessert (because who gives an entree as a gift?), there's 500 chocolate truffles (1 year, 4 months, 13 days' worth if consumed one per day) from Sweet Stuff, in the Shops by Harvard Yard, or 33 Platinum gift-wrapped balatons of Neuhaus Belgian chocolates from Cardullo's. Or what about 557 Australian candy-dipped preserved two-inch diameter apricots (that's a string of apricots 93 feet long) from Crate and Barrel, 48 Brattle Street? If your gift recipient is a pre-med and keen on staying up late to study, $1,000 will get you 166.66 pounds of chocolate-covered espresso beans, from Barsamian's, 1030 Mass. Ave., or 409.5 gallons of caffeine-rich Coca-Cola from Star Market, 49 White Street. One thousand dollars buys 833.33 gallons of Poland Spring water from the same place. If you're not into all of this extravagance, bury your loved one in 252 and one-half pounds of Hershey's Kisses from Sweet Stuff.

WITH GIFTS OF GOLD. FRANKINCENSE AND MYRRH

The gold market isn't what it used to be. After that $25 plunge in August, $1,000 will buy you about 2.65 troy ounces of it, about 6% more than the pre-August high, from the New York Stock Exchange. What about two 14-karat gold and opal necklaces, or one 14-K ruby or amethyst flower ring from Cambridge Artists Cooperative, 59a Church Street? Frankincense and myrrh have now been replaced by the more sophisticated scents; for $1,075, five ounces of Chanel No. 5 can be yours from the Coop, or alternately, 89 ounces of "Bistro" by Chantilly from Brook Pharmacy, 1740 Mass. Avenue.

For those holiday formal occasions, have a custom-made tuxedo crafted for you at Rizzo tailors on Church Street, starting at $1,495. But we couldn't find out how much Gap clothing $1,000 could buy. The Manager of the Gap told us, "The problem isn't the $1,000. Everything that goes into print about us has to be cleared through our corporate headquarters in San Bernardo."

TO YOUR HEALTH

Start that toast with 502.5 fluid ounces of ginseng tonic, or make your own with $1,000 worth of the root itself: depending on the type you buy, one grand gets you 10 pounds of American white ginseng root, or 8.5 pounds of American red ginseng root, or five pounds of Chinese ginseng kivin root at Harnett's, Church and Brattle Streets.

HOME AND HEARTH

The catalogue reads, "Add a fun and festive air to your holiday table. Our exclusive reindeer are handmade of iron. Set of two, $29.95." Why not add the weight of a small truck to your holiday table by buying an army of 66 iron reindeer? Or, for those who like the glitter of gold and the freshness of fruit, a collection of 200 pieces of gold-painted fruit? Or the gift that keeps on giving--50 years' worth of the Museum of Modern Art's 4-foot wide `Stendig' calendar. All from Crate and Brattle, 48 Brattle Street.

Not exotic enough? Want to have Michael Jackson's private zoo, without the trouble of having to clean up? Patronize the arts--buy a pair of paper-mache penguins for $505 each, or a 4-foot tall paper mache black panther from Mexico, $1,250 from Baak, 35a Brattle Street. Alternately, from Boston artist Doug Finch, a four-legged industrial polymer resin "Ooloo" pitcher ($750) from Artsmart, in the Shops by Harvard Yard. These are popular items, says the store manager: Victorian advertising heavy paper drums, which can be used as tables, (buy three to seven of them with $1,000), or false hide-inside leather-bound books (10 to 76 per $1,000) at Papermint, in the Shops by Harvard Yard.

A steal at exactly $1,000 and ideal for a dorm room is a 20 year-old southwest Persian tribal rug from Chiraz, 5 by 8, pile weaving; or semi-antique Kilims ($995) and scatter-rugs ($895) with natural dyes from Church Street Rugs, 28 Church Street.

Lastly, flowers give that final holiday touch to any home; for a thousand dollars, why not invest in 250 poinsetta stems (they may have multiple blooms), or 500 boxes of mistletoe (if you go with this option, consider 115 ounces of the Body Shop's Kiwi lip balm, 1440 Mass. Ave.), 166.66 pounds of holly or 50 Christmas trees, all from the Brattle Square Florists, 31 Brattle Street?

FOR BOOKWORMS

More bang for your buck: give the Harvard Coop's Joe Connors your business, and take advantage of the $2,000 discount on the 1992 Heritage Limited Edition set of The New Encylopaedia Britannica? Thirty-two volumes of padded leather omniscience is $999 from the Coop. For those with more interesting tastes, $1,100 will buy you the Complete Works of the Marquis de Sade in French, bound in gold-embossed black leather with red endpapers and a red silk book mark from the Pangloss Bookshop, 65 Mt. Auburn Street. Also at Pangloss, a first-edition first-state copy of Poe's Tales, at "considerably more than $1,000."

For those who fancy themselves budding youngwriters, buy six of the pens that Hillary RodhamClinton uses: the Parker blue marble duofoldrollerball, at the Coop. For comparison, $1,000buys only one-tenth of the official pen of theWhite House, the solid 18K gold "Presidential"fountain pen.

THE STOCKINGS WERE HUNG BY THE CHIMNEYWITH CARE

This little stocking-stuffer will organize yourlife: for a thousand dollars, buy the Apple NewtonProfessional Communications System ($899) and tworechargable batteries ($49 each, from the Coop.Too urbane for you? Learningsmith at 25 BrattleStreet writes, "Nothing brings a family togetherfaster than a quick volcanic eruption. Thispopular kit has everything needed to build avolcano and, with the addition of a few commonhousehold ingredients, bring its lava flowbubbling to life." The holidays are a sharingseason; why not raze the entire neighborhood tothe ground and bring everybody together with 91volcanoes, for $1,000? Also from Learningsmith, 55stone carving kits, 40 Zen rock gardens or 33"Dimensional Man" 3-D paper male models.

Stuffed animals have a way of warming thehearts of those who receive them: set yourrecipient's heart ablaze by buying out Calliope's(33 Brattle Street) entire collection of oversizedanimals: Kodiak bear ($300), Koko gorilla ($385)and Mickey Mouse ($150). What could one getfor$1,000 at Calliope? "Koko and a half" was thereply from the store manager.

IT WAS A NICE THOUGHT

A penny for your thoughts, so 100,000 thoughtsfor $1,000. Knowing President Clinton's salary,give your loved one 43.8 hours of his time. Becharitable: buy 1,000 copies of "Spare Change."Pay off your friend's 11-year overdue book, oryour friend's 4,000 overdue books for one day. Buyand mail 1,351 Christmas cards within the UnitedStates. Attend 166 a cappella concerts.

So there you have it. An eclectic eccentricextravaganza of holiday gifts, ready for thetaking. Of course, you could just give cash. Butthen, that'd be tacky, wouldn't it?

SoRelle B. Braun contributed to the researchfor this article.$1,000 will buy you 43.8 hours of this man'stime.