Acursory glance through the "lifebeat" sections of American newspapers reveals a surprisingly large number of advice columns. "Dear Abby." "Dear Dotti." "Ann Landers." "Miss Manners." "Ask Beth." "Ask the Countess." These columns claim they confront the major and minor issues that plague the reading public. Advice has become a staple of the modern newspaper; the Boston Herald, after all, fills a whole tabloid page each day with lurid tales of cheating spouses, rude dinner guests and meddling mothers-in-law.

Advice columns hide behind a shroud of mundanity. Both Dear Abby's small size relative to hard-news articles and its usual oscillation between the trivial and the melodramatic disguises the column's deeper philosophical significance. Every installment is more than a mere detailing of a few individuals' kvetches about an uncaring world; rather, each day's column forms a single vignette within the sweep of a surreal, Gogolesque epic about human weakness. And so the decades-long history of Dear Abby becomes a never-ending morality play.

But the pathos inherent in these pieces doesn't obscure their entertainment value. Everyone secretly takes prurient pleasure in others' minor despair; nothing else explains why millions of people read columns which answer only three individuals' letters each day. Unfortunately, because of either their tight schedules or their unawareness of the near-comic nature of such columns as "Ask Beth," college students can seldom keep up with all the faux-human-tragedy splashed across newsstands. 15 MINUTES henceforth offers, as a service to its readers, this brief summary and handy ratings of selected letters and their responses.

"Ask the Vet" (syndicated, 2/7/92) The clear winner in this month's advice column war, Dr. John De Jong answers an inquiry by one "N.H." "I have an embarrassing problem with my dog: When she sees an [sic] Hispanic or black person she goes into a frenzy. Why is that? I never taught her that and never trained her to be an attack dog. . . . I can't understand it. I myself am not a racist and I'm also a person of minority." A few paragraphs later, N.H. asks bluntly, "Is my dog racist?" De Jong ensures N.H. that "your dog is by no means a racist," and suggests that "gradual positive exposure to people you know who are black or Hispanic will probably change your dog's behavior." How Important? 5 How Pathetic? 2 A tour de force. De Jong not only solves N.H.'s problem, but also offers a paradigm for the reeducation of would-be racists throughout the world.

"Chatterline" (The Boston Herald, 2/4/92): The Herald's own Chatterline, the rough print equivalent of a 900-number "party line," is an unwelcome innovation among advice columns. Chatterline relies upon other readers for responses; until someone else writes in, a letter-writer must wait with Job-like endurance.

Washed-up actors around the world rejoice upon hearing from "Humberto" of New Bedford, Massachusetts. He writes, "I am a big fan of the actress Joyce DeWitt from TV's `Three's Company,"' and asks what she's doing now. Unfortunately, Chatterline provides our correspondent with little comfort. How Important? 1 How Pathetic? 5 Joyce DeWitt? She played Janet, for God's sake!

"Ask Beth" (The Boston Globe, 2/7/92): Beth, whose column is subtitled "Sense About Sex," has become a cult figure by answering the decidedly atypical inquiries of such individuals as The Girl Who Couldn't Understand Why Her Boyfriend Wants To Look At Her Breast and The 12-Year-Old Girl Whose 19-Year-Old Boyfriend Wants A Special Present.

Of late, however, Beth's column has been much tamer. The most entertaining letter in recent weeks comes from "Stuck In The Middle," of an unspecified locale, who complains that both she and her best friend have fallen in love with "Ger," but Ger likes only her friend. Beth urges patience. "You could wait and possibly go out with him later. Teen-agers often date each other's exes after they've broken up, because they know each other so well." How Important? 2 How Pathetic? 2 Everyone has been through the does-he/she-like-me stage, so "Stuck"'s problems are nothing special. They're certainly less dramatic than those of The 13-Year-Old Boy Whose Stepmother Liked To Spank.

"Ask the Countess" (Weekly World News, 2/25/92) According to the write-up accompanying Countess Sophia Sabak's column, "The Countess' advice is free. Do not send money." And she's a specialist, too! The Countess consults the spiritual in order to counsel the supernaturally afflicted.

Despite her altruism, though, the Countess must still defend herself against unbelievers. "Skeptic in Kansas City," instead of seeking help, charges that "if you were such a great psychic you wouldn't be writing for a weekly newspaper." If, "Skeptic" says, the Countess had any brains she would predict winning lottery numbers. But Sabak retorts, "I stopped playing lotteries after I became a multimillionaire early in my career. I now devote my time to helping other people free of charge. Writing a column for The Weekly World News--with my six-figure salary donated to charity--is just one of the ways I accomplish this." How Important? 2 How Pathetic? 4 Sabak's attempt to squirm away from logic is more pathetic than the problems of any of her readers.

"Miss Manners" (syndicated, 1/29/92) Snide, but well-mannered Judith Martin seems at first glance unnecessary, since anyone etiquette-conscious enough to want to shovel through Martin's prose ought to know this stuff already. Besides, few columnists as smug as Martin--she refers to herself in sentences as "Miss Manners"--can claim as wide an audience.

Yet tight-assed Emily Posts are apparently not Martin's only followers. One anonymous, uncouth reader, unaware of a past debate over whether good manners even allow doggy bags in a restarurant, writes, "Over the past year my family and I have attended a few weddings, and we hope you can tell us what is the proper etiquette when there are plenty of leftovers from the sweet table at a reception. I say you should eat what you want and take home any leftovers . . ." Miss Manners replies, "What did you have in mind here? Tapping the bridal couple on the shoulders during their last dance and asking them if you could run off with their food?" How Important? 1 How Pathetic? 4 The unsigned letter conjures up the alarming image of an ogre in an ill-fitting tux trying to stuff just one more petit-fours in his pocket.

Rating Criteria:

How Important?--philosophical significance. Can the world survive without knowing the answer to the correspondent's letter? Range: 1 (irrelevant) to 5 (sheer human drama)

How Pathetic?--entertainment value. Exactly how inane is the exchange between reader and columnist? Range: 1 (possibly intelligent) to 5 (stupid, hilarious)