Few movies can manage to make Sean Connery look stupid. Highlander came close, but he came out of that one with some semblance of dignity. Combine Connery's charisma with an exotic setting like the Amazon rain forest, throw in a "hard-headed female scientist" (Lorraine Bracco) and -- why not? -- a cure for cancer, and you're practically guaranteed a hit.

Not so with John McTiernan's new film, Medicine Man. From Connery's silly Steven Seagal-esque ponytail to the ridiculous Club Med-meets-Muzak soundtrack (available on Varese Sarabande CDs and cassettes), Medicine Man is startlingly dull and ludicrous to the point of self-parody.

Part of the problem lies in the fact that the film works on a shaky premise. It goes as follows: Kooky Dr. Robert Campbell (Connery) has been working alone in the rain forest for twenty years on the trail of a cure for cancer--and he's finally found it.

The only problem is, he manages to lose it pretty quickly, too. Panicked, he is forced to team up with spunky young Dr. Rae Crane (Bracco) in a race to find the cure before the rain forest is destroyed.

Sounds reasonable, right? And it is -- until Bracco opens her mouth. Horrible lines like "Five hundred thousand scientists in the world, and I had to get stuck with Dr. Mengele with a ponytail!" are bad enough, and they are not helped by her piercing, whiny delivery.

Also, the cancer cure itself is simply too good to be true. One shot of Campbell's serum, and you can kiss your tumor problems goodbye. The film tries to add scientific authenticity by including footage of Connery and Bracco gazing into a laptop terminal. But any Tetris addict knows that a computer screen isn't necessarily a sign of serious work getting done.

Also worth mention is the film's patronizing treatment of Brazilian natives and its insincere stab at saving the rain forests. The filmmakers' earnestness would have been more convincing if they had contributed some of their profits to the jungle's preservation.

All of this belabors the simple point that Medicine Man is nothing more than a very dull movie. Very little happens -- there is no sex in the jungle, no man-eating snakes and no warring tribes to add interest to the film. And when something colorful does happen (Connery and Bracco swinging through the treetops, for example) the effect is hardly enough to make up for the wait.

In short, there is little--if any--reason to see Medicine Man. There are plenty of superior movies that feature either Connery, cancer, or the rain forest. Of course, you probably won't find all three in the same video store rental, but at least you won't have to sit through two hours of Dr. Mengele with a ponytail.

Medicine Man

Starring Sean Connery and Lorraine Bracco,

Directed by John

McTiernan