WELCOME TO HARVARD.

For your $22,000, you and your parents have just purchased:

a) one year of quality education

small print #1: it's only what you make of it.

small print #2: you will learn more from your peers.

small print #3: and your extracurricular activities.

b)thousands of pre-paid meals in the dining halls

small print #4: you'll eat out anyway.

c)353 years of tradition

small print #5: whatever that means.

d)the Harvard name and reputation

small print #6: sorry, the Harvard name comes only in large print.

AS ORIENTATION WEEK progresses, first-year students usually catch on--as much as they are ever going to--to the first three benefits of a Harvard education.

You get hit over the head with a) during the opening speech. After one meal at the Union, b) is easy to understand. Tradition is a little harder to grasp, but that's the point. If you have to ask why about something at Harvard--like why there are no air conditioners, why you have to comp everything, why you watch Love Story, the answer will always be tradition.

Coming to terms with the Harvard name takes a little more practice. Only our grandparents can safely utter the name of our school at a reasonable decibel level. The rest of us have to mumble, fake a sneeze or hedge around geographical locations (Up North, New England, Massachusetts, Boston, Cambridge, Mass Ave) until we are finally pinned down.