T HERE are just three simple and easy steps to the perfect job interview. First buy a gun. Next go to the interview. Finally, tell the interviewer in a very direct way that you and your "itchy trigger finger Sam" are very, very qualified for job. Don't forget to shake hands firmly when leaving.

Presto! The perfect job interview! Take 10 to 12 years--depending on good behavior--to prepare for the next one.

Actually, job interviews should not drive anyone to criminal behavior. What's the worst that could happen? You don't get the job? You don't get the job and the interviewer gets sick on your application? You don't get the job, the interviewer gets sick on your application and you must face family and friends as a complete and utter failure?

Don't get me wrong. Job interviews are not pleasant. But neither is Frank's Oriental Fish, and nobody buys books about that.

Yet thousands buy books about job interviews. These manuals--usually brightly colored and very expensive--promise everything from a successful interview to a high-paying career, steamy love life and massive weight loss.

They don't deliver on these promises. I know. I've read them all.

The problem is that the authors--despite their claims to be "job interview experts"--actually have no jobs. After being rejected by hundreds, perhaps thousands of employers, they hatched a sinister strategy: They would make the rest of us completely paranoid about making eye contact, shaking hands and "dressing for success," and then they would tiptoe behind our backs and take our jobs.

Don't take these schemer's ridiculous, convoluted advice. Take mine. I say that what really matters during your job interview isn't what you don't do, For example, don't point at a picture of the interviewer's children and snicker.

If you memorize the following "No-Nos of Job Interviewing," I promise you'll get that job, make six figures in your first year, fall in love immediately and lose 20 pounds.

No Pet Names. Although you want to appear human and personal during your interview, be wary of becoming too chummy.

Good: "Thank you for your time, Mr. Johnson. I hope to speak to you again soon."

Bad: "Thank you for your time, Mr. Johnson. Or can I call you 'Spanky'?"'

If you absolutely must come up with a pet name for your interviewer, use one that connotes respect, such as "coach," rather than a more pejorative name such as "scooter" or "big mama."

No Extremes of Emotion. If interviewers complement you, don't jump into their arms in joy. If interviewers tell jokes, don't laugh so hard that you break furniture in the office. If interviewers get sentimental, don't cry so much you need to wipe your nose on your clothes.

This isn't that hard.

No Offering Breath Mints. Be subtle about it. Say, "Wow these mints are good. Wow." Or "Bet you don't have room for one of these tiny breath mints in your stomach, especially after eating all those onions."

No Fashion Jokes. Your interviewer may be clad entirely in skin-tight polyester. Don't say the 1970s are long over. Don't mention that John Travolta sends his regards. Instead, ask where your interviewer bought the suit, and dutifully write the name of the store on a piece of paper. Then go home and burn it.

No Excessive Self-Congratulation. Although your mother and father may indeed be very proud of you for blowing your nose, don't expect your interviewer to wax ecstatic. Don't peer into your kleenex and announce, "That was a good one!" Above all, don't attempt to continue a conversation while your fingers are anywhere in the general vicinity of your nostrils.

No Insulting Interviewers' Alma Mater.Don't say, "When we played you in football, we sat on your faces! We ate you for lunch!" Avoid anything resembling a victory dance. And in the rare instance your interviewer graduated from Yale, try to control your pity.