"SEX kills"--read a T-shirt I noticed over Thanksgiving break--"Come To Yale and Live Forever."

My first reaction was to snicker. Poor, lonely Yalies. Such a bad football team and no sex?

Harvard, I thought proudly, is completely different. Here everyone is sexually fulfilled. Yeah, that's it. No one's ever lonely. Right?

Right?

Wrong. A recent poll of University of Maryland students revealed that 90 percent had sex during their first year in college. The Harvard Independent's surveys, in contrast, show that about half of Harvard students are still virgins.

Even more surprising, the poll indicated that more than one-third of undergraduates have not had a romantic relationship at Harvard.

Granted, these surveys could be completely bogus. Perhaps the Indy staff interviewed only social misfits. Or perhaps they just interviewed one another.

But regardless of statistical inaccuracies, the Independent stumbled upon an actual truth: Dealing with loneliness has become part of The Harvard Experience.

Just look at the vast number of students studying in Lamont or Cabot on weekend nights. Observe how many people stare open-mouthed when a couple embraces in the Yard. For real proof, flip through any college guide; ever wonder why Harvard gets five stars for academics but only three telephones for social life?

Over the past three weeks, I have spoken to about a dozen desperately lonely Harvard students. (I will not print their names or phone numbers in this article, although several of them begged me to.)

These students proposed different theories that explain the lack of romance at Harvard, which I shall now present objectively without any shred of bias.

The Morality Theory: Ha! Ha! Ha! Yeah, right. This theory implies that Harvard students do not have sex because we believe it's wrong to have sex.

No way, Harvard students--who in a few years won't mind quashing friends' ambitions on the way up the corporate ladder--could care less about a physical relationship between two consenting adults.

Morality, schmorality. This theory probably hasn't been valid since the school's early days as a training ground for Puritan ministers.

The Blame Harvard Theory. This theory encompasses a wide range of gripes against the University, including:

.the lack of single rooms on campus for private "entertainment."

.the lack of a campus-wide social center where people with common interests can meet and...

.the crushing burden of academic coursework, which makes it impossible to make time for romance.

I group this theory under the general heading "RATIONALIZATION." Derek Bok and his buddies can be blamed for many problems on the Harvard campus but dragging them into the dating scene is ridiculous. Taken to its logical extreme, the "Blame Harvard" theory implies that Bok himself should run a dating service. (Key question: would students be assigned to one another randomly?)

One final comment on this theory. A lack of single rooms does not automatically prevent a thriving social life, as some self-sacrificing roommates know all too well. I say this not to further subvert the "Blame Harvard" theory, but rather to retaliate against my roommate for never fully appreciating my many nights in the common room. (Revenge!)

The Perfection Theory: This theory argues that Harvard students are obsessed with perfection, and hold too high standards for potential mates. "Possibilities" are weeded out as too stupid, too tall, too artistic, too athletic or worse, too conservative.

By this theory, the only person a Harvard student can truly fall in love with is him or herself. The implications for romantic evenings and passionate nights are obvious, if a little unsavory.

The Ego Theory: Asking somebody into a romantic situation is equivalent to saying "Here, please trample on my ego." For Harvard students with jumbosized egos, this statement is particularly hard to make.

The scenario that develops is predictable. Nobody will ask anyone else out unless they know the person will say yes. So you need to get a friend or a friend of a friend to ask if the person might say yes if possibly you asked.

Welcome to third grade.

The most accurate prediction of the "Ego Theory" is the agonizing over potential boyfriends and girlfriends. For me, the worrying goes something like this: Does she feel about me like I feel about her? Does she like me only as a friend? Does she not really like me, but just kind of feel neutral?

Or does she think I'm the scum of the earth?

The Nerds and Geeks Theory: This theory argues that Harvard students are not like our counterparts at the University of Maryland. We are the nerds and geeks of the world. We can't socialize without our glasses slipping off our noses. We concentrate so much on academics that we deny ourselves physical enjoyment.

Freud called this "sublimation": there is only so much energy which can be spent either studying or, um, engaging in some other activity. Maybe, just maybe, a serious relationship will render you unable to ever do homework again...

Some evidence exists for this theory--witness two of my roommates--but more research needs to be done.

The Theorizing Theory: This theory says Harvard students don't have sex because we prefer to complain about how we don't have sex.

We also like to talk about romances on the extreme and avoid dealing with our own lives. The prime example of this trend is Perspective's recent oral sex survey. Sure, we all would be interested to know how many Harvard students have oral sex regularly. But what about asking how many students have even gone out on a date?

Strict adherents to "Theorizing Theory" say that really pathetic Harvard students spend hours thinking about the lack of social life on campus; they compensate for their own social cowardice by professing to be social life experts.

Ridiculous.