"SEX kills"--read a T-shirt I noticed over Thanksgiving break--"Come To Yale and Live Forever."

My first reaction was to snicker. Poor, lonely Yalies. Such a bad football team and no sex?

Harvard, I thought proudly, is completely different. Here everyone is sexually fulfilled. Yeah, that's it. No one's ever lonely. Right?

Right?

Wrong. A recent poll of University of Maryland students revealed that 90 percent had sex during their first year in college. The Harvard Independent's surveys, in contrast, show that about half of Harvard students are still virgins.

Even more surprising, the poll indicated that more than one-third of undergraduates have not had a romantic relationship at Harvard.

Granted, these surveys could be completely bogus. Perhaps the Indy staff interviewed only social misfits. Or perhaps they just interviewed one another.

But regardless of statistical inaccuracies, the Independent stumbled upon an actual truth: Dealing with loneliness has become part of The Harvard Experience.

Just look at the vast number of students studying in Lamont or Cabot on weekend nights. Observe how many people stare open-mouthed when a couple embraces in the Yard. For real proof, flip through any college guide; ever wonder why Harvard gets five stars for academics but only three telephones for social life?

Over the past three weeks, I have spoken to about a dozen desperately lonely Harvard students. (I will not print their names or phone numbers in this article, although several of them begged me to.)

These students proposed different theories that explain the lack of romance at Harvard, which I shall now present objectively without any shred of bias.

The Morality Theory: Ha! Ha! Ha! Yeah, right. This theory implies that Harvard students do not have sex because we believe it's wrong to have sex.

No way, Harvard students--who in a few years won't mind quashing friends' ambitions on the way up the corporate ladder--could care less about a physical relationship between two consenting adults.

Morality, schmorality. This theory probably hasn't been valid since the school's early days as a training ground for Puritan ministers.

The Blame Harvard Theory. This theory encompasses a wide range of gripes against the University, including: