QUESTION: How many Harvard Lampoon members does it take to change a lightbulb?

Answer: Five. One to tell the Lampoon's agent to do it, and four to sit around and pat each other on the back for being so darn funny.

Questions: How many Lampoon members contributed to the parody of Forbes which came out last month? How many members organized the extravagant $10,000 bash in honor of Malcolm Forbes himself--complete with a carnival organ, spotlights and motorcyclists?

And how many socially stunted Lampoon members actually spoke coherently to Forbes?

Answer (to all three questions): About five.

The Lampoon hired a publisher to handle all technical aspects of the parody. The Lampoon hired people to find the organ, spotlights and motorcyclists. And rumors are flying that the Lampoon hired professional blue-bloods to fraternize with Forbes while shy Lampy members hid in closets.

THE Forbes party, ironically, was designed to be a parody of money. This is a really greedy man. We are giving a really greedy party. Get it?

Get it?

WE considered advising the Lampoon to stay away from national social criticism in the future. For one thing, it's not funny. (Although that's never stopped them before.)

For another, who cares what the high-horsed Lampoon moralizers think? Despite all the press releases the Lampoon sent out, how many people said, "Wait a minute. I realize I am greedy. Now I am going to change my life"?

We decided against giving the Lampoon this advice, however. For if members stopped producing their parodies and throwing their parties, they might feel compelled to (tell their agent to) produce more normal Lampoon issues with normal Lampoon jokes.

Anything but that.