Monday, November 14, 1988

OFFICE OF THE VICE PRESIDENT

DEAR Derek:

Thank you for your telegram congratulating me on my successful campaign for president. I apologize for having savagely attacked your fine institution so often during the campaign. Certainly you must understand that to win elections we sometimes must stoop to cheap demogoguery. Golly, I am, after all, a Yalie.

Now that my pals Roger Ailes and Jimmy Baker have helped me defeat that icky Michael Dukakis and his liberal, out-of-the-mainstream ideas, I need to start making some tough choices about what kind of people I want to bring with me to Washington to form my new administration. Obviously, I need to do a much better job than I did in New Orleans when I picked Danforth Quayle to be my co-pilot.

People are so concerned with my health these days.

DEREK, I would like you to join my administration and help me build a stronger, more conservative America. There are many things about your record which clearly qualify you for a high-level position in my administration. I have done some real tough thinking about which positions I think you'd be most outstanding.

I realize that most people consider you a Democrat. I think I once heard someone describe you as--heaven forbid--a liberal. Let's face it though, Derek, I have judged your record, seen what you've done at Harvard, and you are my kind of man. Whether you know it or not, you're a conservative. (Remember I didn't know I was a conservative in 1980. I didn't realize it until Ronny's boys told me.)

What I really love about you, Derek, is your labor record. If I pick you for secretary of labor, you'll look great on paper to all those pro-union, liberal do-gooders up on Capitol Hill. As a professor of labor law, you have a great resume and a strong reputation for being pro-labor.

THANKFULLY, you're not the kind of guy who feels bound by his principles. The way you tried to bust up that AFSCME union these past few months was, well, neat-o. It's not like they were a real union anyway. REAL unions--like the Teamsters--endorse real men, like me and Big Ron. Your labor unrest was caused by a bunch of uppity girls, and you sure have done your darndest to show them that secretaries are supposed to stay quiet unless they're answering the phone.

If I hadn't already promised the job to Jimmy Baker (the guy who showed me how to kick a little ass last week) I would have had you on my short list for secretary of state. Your steadfast refusal to divest Harvard's holdings from companies doing business in South Africa shows you understand the basic idea of foreign policy--the profit motive is far more important than morality. We can't let the concerns of thousands, even millions, of people effect our policy toward their nation. That would be just plain silly.

Of course, the manner in which you have dealt with those out of the mainstream, left-leaning, beatniks-for divestment, has shown me you could be just the man for the job of congressional liasion. If you could be as successful using sleazy, dishonest, strong-arm tactics with the House of Representative as you have been with the divestment movement on your campus, we wouldn't need to waste so much time on illegal, covert activities like the Iran-Contra deal. Golly, if you could convince Congress that taking a vote on important issues was harmful to the democratic process (like you did to your overseers last spring) I'd make you chief of staff.

IT has occured to me that since you have been president of Harvard for so long, some people might think of you as a natural candidate for the position of secretary of education. Upon review, I found you record here to be commendable. During your administration, the proud Harvard tradition of ignoring student input on issues from tenure to academic interests to campus politics has been continued. Further, you should be proud that that Kennedy School of Government of yours tried to sell University positions to the highest bidder. If you can remember that money talks, Derek, you'll make a great cabinet official.

An important aspect of the Bush administration is going to be an emphasis on the ethics thing. I'm considering creating an Ethics Office, but I regret to inform you that your record at Harvard disqualifies you from being a serious candidate for this post. Granted, much like your labor record, you've talked a great game about how ethics are important. And since you haven't actually done anything tangible in this field, and your record at Harvard hasn't exactly been squeaky clean, I know you wouldn't be too harsh on me or any of my appointments.

But unfortunately, Derek, you allowed some of your people to give a distinguished service award to Ed Meese a few years back. Ed Meese? Even when I was Official Cheerleader for Ronnie's administation, I knew Meese was a scumbag. Sorry Derek, but appointing you as ethics advisor would be asking for some real deep doo-doo.

Well, Derek, these are the prospects I see for you in my administration. I hope you will join me and help carry out the policies we both feel would be best for America. I will have the head of my Transition Management Team, Jeane Kirkpatrick (another Democratic academic turned smart) contact you soon.

Best Wishes, President-elect George Bush

P.S. Harvard students are required to recite the Pledge of Allegiance before class each morning, aren't they?