FOUR QUESTIONS to keep in mind when you watch the 59th Annual Academy Awards at 9 p.m. Monday on ABC: Who's gonna win? Who deserves to win? Who doesn't stand a snowball's chance in hell of winning? Who would you choose if you could vote for whoever the heck you wanted?

Permitme to pontificate a bit...

BEST PICTURE

Gonna: Platoon. Because it's the "moral choice." Because it made the cover of Time Magazine. Because everybody has decided it's the Vietnam film on account of it's so goshdarned literal. I'll take Colonel Kurtz or Russian roulette players over this war-is-hell pic any day of the week.

Oughta: Platoon. Like it or not, It's the best film of the five.

Snowball: Children of A Lesser God. I'll read one of Helen Keller's waffle irons if this picture wins.

Wanna:.....she wore Bluue Vellllllvet! This was the only outstanding American film released in the past year. But it's subversive with a capital S, so the Academy nominated Lynch for Best Director, but neglected to give him a Best Picture bid. Did the same to thing to Woody Allen's Manhattan, and lotsa others. Hey, Frank! Pass the gasmask!

BEST DIRECTOR

Gonna: Oliver Stone, Platoon. Because Best Picture and Best Director are peanut butter and jelly. Here's a preview of Stone's acceptance speech: "I'd just like to thank...boo hoo hoo...all those kids who...boo hoo hoo...in the Big 'Nam. This one's for you, dudes! Take no prisoners!"

OUGHTA: OLIVER Stone. The direction was awfully slick, especially the combat scenes. I liked the animated fighter plane that zoomed over Tom Berenger's head at the film's climax.

Snowball: David, Lynch, Blue Velvet. Yeah. Maybe a severed human ear will host the ceremonies, too!

Wanna: David Lynch, Blue Velvet.

BEST ACTRESS

Gonna: Kathleen Turner, Peggy Sue Got Married. It was an okay performance in a terrible movie, but Sissy Spacek has already won, Marlee Matlin has a funny name, and nobody wants to hear Jane Fonda give a speech about her new political work-out video, Sandinista's Aerobicising Against Apartheid.

Oughta: Sissy Spacek, Crimes of the Heart. She was real good in this so-so movies. I toast that little loony with a glass of lipsmackin' lemonade.