AUSTRALIA, for those of you who have been hiding under a rock for the past six months, is the hottest country in America.

Crocodile Dundee has become the most successful foreign movie ever released in the country. Foster's Larger and other beers from down under have made a substantial entry into the American brew market.

America-born, Australian-bred Mel Gibson is still as popular as ever. And American tourism to Australia has skyrocketed.

Yet Harvard offers not a single course in the history of the former penal colony. True, there are no courses in the history of Alcatraz or of Riker's Island--although I wouldn't put it past the folks over in Robinson Hall. But then again, neither of these prison is a country unto itself, much less a continent.

STRANGELY ENOUGH, the History department lists offering in the "History of Asia, Africa, and Australasia." I'm not sure where Australasia is, but it does not appear to be anywhere near Australasia, since all of these courses are about either Asia or Africa. Last time I checked, Australia was not a part of Asia of Africa.

On the other hand, the University does offer a wide variety of courses in Sindhi and Urdu (a total of seven courses in these two fields alone), not to mention Aramaic and Gujarati.

What's Gujarati?

Near Eastern Languages and Civilizations offers nine classes in Akkadian. The only Akkadian I have ever heard of is the instrument played at Italian weddings. The Turkic department offers two courses in Elementary Uzbek, and a course in both Old or Modern Uighur. I don't know what Uzbek is, and I can't even pronounce Uighur.

None of these courses have prerequisites, although for Modern Uighur, "Knowledge of any Turkish language [is] desirable." And for Old Uighur, "Knowledge of any Turkic Language is desirable." What's the difference between Turkish and Turkic? And under which category does Uzbek fall?

Those wishing to communicate with the Dalai Lama can take Intermediate Literary Tibetan this spring, with no previous experience with the league.

As long as you don't want to talk to him about Australian history.

Stuff I thought Wrong

I guess I'm more of screw up than I thought. In hopes of prolonging my college career by another 24 hours before facing the cold reality of the real world, I wrote last week that Commencement will fall on Thursday June 12. It does not. Commencement will be on Thursday June 11, which means that the second day of the rest of my life will be Friday the 12th. This date is hardly ominous an certainly not worth writing a column about.