Okay coach, so you've just won the big game. Your troops rallied around you. They gave 110 percent. They came to play.

Now comes the hard part. Choosing the type of speech to give to press and fans. How to pick the right words to thank your opponent for showing up, but also reminding everyone that you had the better team all along.

How to be gracious, but not sappy. How to be magnanimous, but not boastful. How to be humourous, but not silly.

Here is where most coaches stumble. Some coaches come off sounding like they got their educations at Cliche U. Others like their previous employers were, respectively, I.B.M., Apple and Wang. Some broken souls prefer not to give a speech at all, but just answer questions with "yes" or "no" or "don't be stupid."

In this age of televison--where style dominates substance, where winsomeness covers for winlessness--a coach must be prepared to perform a song and dance. Getting the win is as easy as baking a cake. Describing it is as hard as eating it with your hands tied behind your back.

What follows is a how-to guide to the victorious post-game speech.

The `Holy Cow' Speech: There are two varieties of this speech, one by the coach who knew he was going to win all along and one by the coach who is stunned by his team's upset performance.

The first coach, the winner who knew he was going to win, has a hard task if he chooses to use the "Holy Cow, How Did We Do That?" speech. He has to convince his audience that he really didn't think his team was going to pull out a victory. He must have a reputation for extreme modesty and pessimism.

The easier task falls to the second coach. Everyone views him and his team as an underdog from the start. He can play that roll to the hilt. Often this coach will credit the victory not only to his players but to the Great Referee in the Sky. This speech will often resemble the preamble to a constitution or a series of "Hail Marys." Some coaches will even ask those in attendance to bow their heads and give thanks.

Coaches wishing to practice this speech should polish their Bibilical metaphors.

Great practitioner: RPI hockey Coach Mike Addesa.

The `So It Goes' Speech: This speech is given by a coach who is favored to win and wins big. This guy knows his team is good, but must restrain himself from saying just how good. Often this coach will lay credit for his team's victory on the general state of affairs, as in, "It's just been one of those years."

When asked to elaborate, he modestly responds, "We've just been coming together as a team." This coach, if he is to avoid the tag of arrogant braggart, must appeal to higher motives--i.e. "the way things are" or "team spirit"--as the reason for his team's triumph, without drawing God or other divinities into it. (God and company only work wonders for true underdogs.)

Great practitioner: Harvard hockey Coach Bill Cleary.

The `I've Seen It All' Speech: Only coaches with 15 or more years of experience need to prep for this one. For this speech, the coach describes the nature of the game, without going into specifics about it. This coach considers himself a warrior of the game--to him, one game is more or less like another--and he focuses all his attention on the greatness of the sport (i.e. "That was college football at its best") instead of his team's efforts.

Great practitioner: Harvard football Coach Joe Restic.

The `Thank You' Speech: This speech is given by the coach who believes he is a central figure in his community. Either that, or King of the World. After the game, he thanks the community--not for the win (his boys took care of that)--but for its support. He gives a brief description of his team's efforts on the field, and then launches into a lengthy peroration, giving credit to everyone from the team mascot to the mayor.

Great practitioner: Cornell football coach Maxie Baughan.

The `Do You Remember?' Speech: This speech is just the coach's vehicle to spin off anecdotes about anything that strikes his fancy. Ask him about the touchdown his halfback scored in the second quarter, and he'll tell you about how his granddaughter lost her front teeth and complained that the Tooth Fairy didn't come through with enough cash.

This coach is a stand-up comedian. By the time the speech is through, you've forgotten everything about the game--including the score--and even what sport is was. Losing coaches often find this speech very effective, too.

Great practitioner: Ronald Reagan.