The following predictions were recently discovered by piecing together shredded documents from the offices of the National Security Council. Although no complete documents were discovered, a small group of non-quantitative social scientists was able to reconstruct the following.

JANUARY

. New Congressman Joseph P. Kennedy II skips the State of the Union Address for a Bruins game. The freshman points out, "I had much better seats at the game than for the speech."

. While in Paris on his European sabbatical, President Derek C. Bok has a chance encounter with the former Prime Minister of Iran, Abolhassan Bani-Sadr. Bani-Sadr recognizes the world renowned educator and, aware of Bok's efforts to make Harvard a force for progress in education throughout the world, the Iranian emigre offers Bok an opportunity to strike a blow for enlightenment and freedom on three continents. The exile tells Bok of the heroic efforts of a group of moderate Iranian educators who are struggling to give students a liberal arts education despite the mullahs' decision to eliminate funding for all programs except Religious and Terroristic Studies, an interdisciplinary degree-granting program in military arts and the humanities. Bani-Sadr wants Bok's help getting forbidden books and purely defensive rhetorical devices to these educators.

. Dean of Students Archie C. Epps is offered the presidency of Reed College. Reed claims Epps has proved himself to be an image-conscious administrator. Epps declines the job, saying it's too far from England and that carnations in the Northwest are "rather frumpy."

FEBRUARY

. Inspired by a visit to Cardinal Richelieu's tomb, Bok sees an opportunity to help steer Iran along a more moderate path, to cut off terrorism at the source and, above all, to further the goal of worldwide liberal arts education. Using back-channel communications that circumvent the office of acting President Henry Rosovsky, Bok dispatches Eliot House Master Alan Heimert '49 on a secret fact-finding mission during intersession to contact Bani-Sadr's associates.

. Joe Kennedy misses a big Contra aid vote. Sources reveal that right-wingers secretly gave the congressman tickets to see a tractor pull and motocross race twinbill at a local arena. "I tried to get some other guys on the committee to go with me, but I guess they never learned how to have a good time." Amway salesman George Bachrach, a former Eighth District candidate, said of "young Joe's" absence: "I would have been there.

. The only other Congressman to miss the vote was Fred Grandy '71, who took an emergency junket to the Carribean when he learned that Julie misplaced all the ship's shuffleboard cues.

MARCH

. In response to protests over his salary--including a four figure Christmas bonus--former Undergraduate Council Chairman Brian Melendez '86 announces he will work for the council for free.

. The College, desperate for more housing, allows the Pi Eta Speaker's Club to become the 14th house. Professor of Government Harvey C. Mansfield is appointed master and immediately asks Professor Susan R. Suleiman to become house librarian. He says she'll be able to "improve the students' minds" and is a "fine little baker."

. Residents of Pi Eta House, which will be renamed "Southeast House" in honor of the famous direction, are moved to the Charles Hotel pending completion of renovations. Students get complimentary breakfast croissants but aren't happy. Says one: "If I wanted to study abroad, I'd have moved to the Quad."

. After seeing "Little Shop of Horrors," a North House student is strangled by an overgrown fern in his Botanical Gardens room.

APRIL