IT IS A sad fact of this democratic society that very few Americans know how to behave in front of royalty. This egregious lacunae in American education is sure to become painfully evident during Prince Charles's visit to the Harvard.

The following examination, the Prince Charles Aptitude Test (PCAT), should help you determine whether you meet the official minimum protocol standards.

You are standing with a drink in your hand and boredom on the brain in a ballroom. A man with large ears comes up to you, shakes your hand, and in a British accent introduces himself as Charles, Prince of Wales.

1. Where are you?

A. Hell.

B. In your bed, in deep R.E.M. sleep.

C. Harvard's 350th celebration.

2. What do you do?

A. Introduce yourself as Prince(ess) Spike of Freedonia, and inquire if the the Prince would be interested in purchasing some "slightly used" polo ponies.

B. Hit the Prince over the head with a champagne bottle, yelling "Sic semper tyrannis."

C. Giggle hysterically.

You are Derek Bok, President of Harvard University. You have just been introduced to His Royal Highness, etc.

3. How do you feel?

A. Ashamed. Charles has more titles than you do.

B. Superior. The supreme and arbitrary Power that British kings once wielded over their helpless serfs is now wielded by you over helpless undergraduates.