A COMEDIAN making the rounds says that instead of sending shiploads of food to the starving people of the world, we'd be wiser to send them empty U-Hauls. He explains that the Ethiopian and other famine-stricken peoples of the world are hungry because they live in deserts. The only solution, then, is to get them out of there. "We have deserts in America, too," he says. "But we don't live in them."

It's difficult to move a whole nation, though. So we do what appears to be the next best thing--supporting organizations, such as USA for Africa and Oxfam, which work to alleviate famine in the world. Even Harvard students try to do their part. One of the biggest events on the calendar of the pseudo-socially-conscious is tonight's Oxfam fast. But if it's too late to do anything about this year's event, take my advice: never take part in another Oxfam fast again.

There are three reasons for my blasphemy. The first is the question of practicality. When a student signs away his dinner, Oxfam nets a whopping $1.30 out of the six bucks the dining hall charges.

The dining service says it can only give Oxfam the portion of the food bill that actually goes toward the cost of food. Dining hall employees would still have to be paid even if every student on campus were to donate their dinners to Oxfam. That's fair enough, though I have to wonder about the quality of the food in a full-course dinner when it only costs $1.30.

So our excercise in giving nets $1.30 for the starving in Africa. But what does nearly every faster do on the night of the big fast? Go to Bartley's or Pinocchio's and blow five or six bucks on dinner. It would make a lot more sense to endure the dining hall dreck one more night and just give the fiver to Oxfam.

The extra money that would go to the hungry if we avoided the pretense of the Oxfam fast could go a long way to easing further the problems of world starvation and deprivation. Those few extra dollars--multiplied by hundreds or thousands of students--could build a small teaching hospital in Guatamala, or feed Sally Struthers for a week.

BUT WAIT, Oxfam night is also a big social event. It's fun to go out, eat, and rejoice in our generosity. This raises the second objection to the Oxfam fast, the spiritual one. The purpose of the fast, in theory, is for us privileged Harvard students to commune long-distance with those in Africa who go to bed hungry every night. But no one does that anyway. We give away a meal to charity and then go out and buy ourselves an even more expensive dinner to celebrate.

The final argument against the Oxfam fast, and my favorite, is the "to hell with the dining services" one. They rip us off year after year, charging us for scores of meals we never eat. It's understandable that the dining service employees need to be paid, even on Oxfam night. But there are many creative, yet simple, ways we could donate meals and money to Oxfam that would take this into account. Only the greedy and apathetic dining service hierarchy stubbornly refuses to even consider them. Instead, they insist that the Oxfam fast be a college-wide, one-night-only event.

The first thing would be to allow students to sign away the food share of never-eaten Sunday breakfasts. This alone would amass a small fortune. But the dining service won't allow it. Students who rarely eat even weekday breakfasts could be allowed to donate the cost of those missed meals to charity. But the dining service won't allow it. Students could even be allowed to sign away meals on the nights of their house formals, when most go out on the town. But the dining service won't allow it. The hell with the dining service.

As it stands, then, the Oxfam fast is a hypocritical excercise in conscience-soothing, ego-inflating giving. Under the current system, the most successful fast would see every dining hall employee getting paid for doing no work, every student painting the town--and starving folk in Africa and elsewhere getting far less than if we avoided the pretense of Oxfam night altogether. So do a starving family in Africa a favor. Skip the Oxfam fast.