I DON'T CARE how much school work you have.

I know it was due last leap year. I am also well aware that if you don't do it right now your face will melt off or something. Right on your shoes, most likely. And we all know how hard it is to get melted face off shoes.

I still don't care.

The truth is no one cares. At Harvard everyone complains constantly that they have so much work to do--work that was already due, work that they blew off all day, work that they aren't doing, work that they should be doing because if they don't do it now they surely will fail everything and not get into graduate school and have a horrible poverty-striken life with a pain-in-the-butt spouse and lots of ugly slimy kids whose faces will melt off.

This gives us two types of Harvard Conversations.

Harvard Conversation One: The Casual Pass Conversation. Participants are moving in opposite directions and are looking at the sidewalk with occasional upward glances for safety purposes. They inadvertantly recognize each other at a block apart, but the awkwardness of trying to express acknowledgment from this distance is too great. Both participants instantly stare back at the sidewalk in unconscious humiliation, feigning ignorance of the other's presence until the distance is closed to approximately 10 feet. At ten feet they can pretend to have just happened to look up...

Person One: "Hi, Person Two. How are you."

Person Two: "Fine, Person One. How are you."

Person One: "Good, see you later."

They pass and the conversation has ended, although occasionally an extra comment will be thrown in by one or both of the participants so that they can walk away with a smile. People feel as though a good thing has happened if they can walk away smiling without spending extra time on the conversation--even if they are smiling for no apparent reason. Extra Comments can be uttered after they have already passed and completed the first part of Harvard Conversation One. Some examples of a comment by Person One:

1. (with happy sarcasm) "See you at dinner! Ho Ho!"

2. (with stupid sarcasm) "I'm off to have fun at the library, ha ha! See you."

3. (with mock anger) "By the way, my name is George. If you ever call me 'Person One' again, I will punch you in the head. See you."

Person Two then always ends the same way (looking back to Person One after the Extra Comment): "Ha ha! See you."

THIS HAS RARE variations. No time to stop, you must work. No time, that is, unless you sense an opportunity to undertake the Harvard student's ultimate joy: a chance to tell someone how much work you have.