`Print your way to term paper heaven'--the words kept ringing in my ears like that awful music whick assaults the occupant of the dentist's chair. Last week the Happy Hacker promised to write about ways to print out high-quality looking papers by using various printers located in and around campus.

A lot can happen in one week. Like the Red Sox--they happened in a big way. Writing this column last Tuesday afternoon, the Sox were up by two and the Mets would be playing in Sox home territory. The Happy Hacker's computer simulator was predicting the Sox in five...and plenty of time for him to finish his course work by Sunday.

Alas, computer simulations are never like the real game. Any hacker who writes a baseball program that would allow any team--two runs back in the bottom of the ninth inning with two outs and two strikes against the batter--to go on to victory would be called an idiot. Probability and statistics said the Mets were losers.

After the Happy Hacker finally got over the incredible blow dealt to his with-probability-anything-can-be-accurately-simula ted mentality, he decided not to write about 'printing your way to term-paper heaven'. (Tune in next week for that.) Meanwhile, the Happy Hacker feels like digressing about several computer sports programs that reflect reality better than the aforementioned World Series. On TV, a game is just a game, but on your computer screen, it can truly be an adventure.

To Boldly Go...

If you want to play sports games on a computer, don't try the Science Center computers. Although they have such fun-packed classics as Go-fish and Star Trek, they have nothing in the action department; I guess real programmers don't like sports.

That leaves students with the option of buying a variety of commercially available games. There are action and graphics games, in which the player or players see figures move on the screen and help control them.

Then there are the simulations. Simulations allow the player to enter teams by typing in the various team-players statistics. After building a few teams, the game player can simulate matches between two teams. One football simulator, for instance, can match two Superbowl champions, the 1986 Chicago Bears against the 1985 San Francisco '49ers.

Super Sunday Football from Avalon Hill ($39.95) comes with 20 past Superbowl teams on disk. Of course, the user can add teams and even switch them around. It allows someone to do an incredibly thorough job of what-ifs (what if the Patriots had William Perry, what if the Colts knew how to play, etc.) Super Sunday Football allows players to play against another player or against the computer. It's even possible to set the computer on auto-play; just sit back with a beer and some potato chips, and watch your computer play ball.

Another similar simulation, Computer Baseball by Strategic Simulations, Inc. ($40), lets you manage one of many baseball teams. And that's still not all. With auto-play, head-to-head or player vs. computer options, the game also comes with 20 past and present teams already entered, and allows players to add even more.

For those who prefer games with more action, Electronic Art's One-on-One Basketball ($39.95) puts you in a head-to-head match between Larry Byrd and Julius Erving. You control one of the players and can match your skills against the computer or a friend. Although it won't improve your on-court dribbling and shooting, One-on-One can certainly keep your keyboard/mouse fingers in shape.

More Goodies

Other sports games abound, with software companies offering anything from boxing to wrestling, skiing to golf. Most of the games listed here are available through Club Computer in Harvard Square, or via mail-order.

Next week, after recovering from several more '86 series simulations, we can talk about 'printing your way to term-paper heaven'. Until then, the Happy Hacker will be busy trying to convince his bookie that the real series took place on a computer, not at a ball park. On second thought, maybe the bookie will take a nicely printed term-paper as payment in-kind.