The following predictions for the year 1986 were unearthed recently, found lodged underneath the rubble of North House's basement. Although parts of the several scraps of paper were illegible, the following has been reconstructed by a team of Harvard historians and printed in its entirely.

JANUARY

* 13, Monday--Professor Nadav Safran is named to the prestigious chairmanship of a new ethics committee at the Middle East Studies Association. "We couldn't have picked a more experienced guy," read a prepared statement issued by the association. Safran commented, "I'm psyched. Go print THAT, kids" and hung up the phone.

* 21, Tuesday--After a year of renovations, Cabot House's Briggs Hall reopens amid fanfare and kegs. Master Myra Mayman beams, "It's beautiful--but why don't the bathrooms have sinks?" Chagrined work supervisor Bill Zoof says, "Oh, shit. They weren't in the blueprint."

* 26, Sunday--The Chicago Bears beat the Miami Dolphins, 38-36, in the closing seconds of the Superbowl thanks to a 95-yd. run from scrimmage by William "The Refrigerator" Perry, who loses his lunch of 52 McD.L.T.s along the way. Immediately after the game, Perry accepts congratulations from President Reagan as well as a dinner invitation for 100 guests at The White House. Perry is the only invitee.

* 27, Monday--President Reagan remarks in his State of the Union address that backward nations could learn a lesson from the "moral fortitude of [South African Prime Minister] Pete Botha's regime," which he calls "the moral equivalent of our Founding Fathers." He adds that the approval of $6 million in aid to the Nicaraguan contras, on the condition that they bomb Managua's leading manufacturer of designer sunglasses, is "a victory for the United St--I mean, democracy everywhere."

* 31, Friday--The American Heart Association names Fidel Castro its first annual Man of the Year. "We're delighted that such an important leader has set an example for the world's youth by kicking the filthy cigar habit," says a spokesman. Director of University Health Services Warren E.C. Wacker comments, "What a bunch of dildoes." "They'll never get their hands on my pipe!" vows Winthrop Professor of History Stephan Thernstrom.

FEBRUARY

* 3, Monday--Harvard's seven-man governing Corporation, acting on a dare from Financial Vice President Thomas O'Brien, votes to implement a tuition plan modelled on Manhattan parking rules: in odd-numbered years, people with last names starting with vowels or consonants contained in the words "Rich Old White Men" do not have to pay tuition. In even-numbered years, everyone else is absolved. Consequently, 1986-7 College tuition hits $45,900. Comments a stunned O'Brien, "Jezz--I didn't know those guys had such a great sense of humor."

* 14, Friday--The first freshman prefect-prefectee marriage takes place in Memorial Church, presided over by the Rev. Peter Gomes. The church is filled with 1500 cheering freshmen as the Harvard Band plays "Sexy and 17." Best man Hank Moses, dean of freshmen, says, "It kinda makes you nostalgic for, uh, college, doesn't it?" The groom says, "This is the happiest day in my life--except for the day I got into the B-School."

* 24, Monday--Harvard decides to kill off several of its other biggest scandals all at once, by moving the $350 million (and counting) Medical Area Total Energy Plant into the now-vacant Craigie Arms apartment building. Critical Legal Studies hero Professor of Law Duncan M. Kennedy '64 receives a surprising letter from Law Dean James Vorenberg '49 announcing that Kennedy has a new job running MATEP, which will provide power to North House--once renovations there are completed in 1993. Sociologist Theda R. Skocpol is named to head the Middle Eastern Studies Center.

* 27, Thursday--It's too early to predict, but the search for the 1986 Commencement speaker is well underway. Sources report that the following people have already turned down Harvard invitations: George Bush, George Shultz, Don Regan '40, Edwin Meese and Jeane Kirkpatrick.

MARCH

* 8, Saturday--Hours after issuing the first ID cards for undergraduate alcohol privileges, in three separate incidents, three unnamed Harvard administrators are picked up for a hit-and-run decimation of a Memorial Drive lamppost, overturning the guard house on the way out of the Yard, and trashing the new sculpture next to Out of Town News. All three are charged with DWI. Dean of Students Archie C. Epps III graciously leaves a black-tie gala to bail them out of the Cambridge Police Department jail.

* 18, Tuesday--Oliver Wendell Jones breaks into the Holyoke Center computer system.