"Erving travels, throws up some junk. It's in."

"Bird drives baseline left, stops, pivots, floats a bank shot that settles in for two. We lead by four. Larry Bird is a-mazing."

Listening to Johnny Most, the radio voice of the Celtics on WRKO (680 am), is like that. All the opponents cheat and hot dog, all the Celts glide. Former Washington center Rich Mahorn is McFilthy, his teammate Jeff Ruland is McNasty. Rambunctious Boston forward M.L. Carr is competitive and inspirational, not vicious and untalented.

Most's crudity and distortion are representative of the excesses of a community obsessed with its sports and its local heroes. Don't doubt for a minute that Doug Flutie, Marvelous Marvin Hagler and Larry Bird aren't the three most important people in town.

Beneath the hype is one of the most exciting sports communities there is. Take advantage.

THE TEAMS

The Boston Celtics. Without question the greatest sports franchise ever (take a seat, Yankees' fans)--and the crazies frequenting the pigsty/madhouse otherwise known as the Boston Garden will be happy to convince you of this. One look at their deadly serious "FUCK L.A." t-shirts and you may not want to put up much of an argument, anyway.

Rooting for the Celts and seeing them in person are quite separate matters, however--Boston Garden has been sold out for the past 200-odd games, and there's no reason to think that this year will see a change.

Tickets--which go on sale the last week of September--range in price from eight to 15 dollars, but Larry Bird and Company make them worth every penny.

Channel 56 plans to cover all away games, while CBS will doubtless cover several choice Sunday contests.

Best way to get to the Garden: take the subway to North Station, and you're there.

The Boston Red Sox. Once you've been to Fenway Park, you'll know it's the only place in America to watch a ballgame. Every one of the 33,000 seats is close to the action. The Green Monster is incomparable. The Red Sox? Well, they win almost half the time.

Rooting for the Sox is a state of mind, a masochistic commitment to late-summer agony. Even so, John Cheever once surmised that all literate people are Red Sox fans. If you're not big on pain, you can still enjoy the sport for its own particular beauty, and catch one of the best hitters of our time--Wade Boggs, owner of a .346 lifetime average--in his prime.

The three dollar bleacher seats are cheaper than tickets to the zoo; dishing out the four extra bucks for more civilized lodgings in the grandstand or box seats will save your clothes numerous beer baths.

To get good lower boxes or tickets to any Yankees' series, order in March or early April--most other seats can be purchased at the park the day of the game.

On television, Channel 38 carries about 80 games a year, mainly away contests and weekend home series.

To get to Fenway: A medium-long walk down the Charles towards Boston, Fenway can also be reached by the subway (Kenmore stop) or by taking a bus from the Square.

The New England Patriots. The Boston-area NFL entry has never quite captured the hearts of local sports fans. Maybe it's because the Pats are located in isolated Foxboro, 45 minutes south of Boston. Maybe it's because the Pats haven't won a playoff game since 1962, and (with the exception of the 1982 strike-year playoff tournament) haven't made the playoffs since 1977.

Tickets are relatively easy to get (although the L.A. Raiders contest is already sold-out) and cost $16.

Channel 4 will carry all away games and any home sell-outs.

Best way to get to Sullivan Stadium, Foxboro: None, particularly. Some trains leave from South Station and the Pats may arrange buses from Boston. Ask the ticket office when you call.

The Boston Bruins. During the 1970s, the Bruins were The Team in Boston, but they now reside in the Celtics' very considerable shadow. Still, with the best defenseman in the NHL (Ray Bourque) and consistent success (the Bruins had the best regular-season record in the NHL two years ago), the Bees shouldn't disappoint any hockey fan.

The Garden holds about 14,500 for hockey, and many good seats will be available when tickets go on sale September 16. They'll cost from 14 to 21 dollars a pop.

Channel 38 carries almost every game.

Boston College. If you can't live without major college football and basketball, then nearby Boston College is probably your best bet.

The Eagles football squad finished fourth in the nation last year, and will play such national powerhouses as Maryland, Miami, West Virginia and Penn State this season. Three of the five home games are on campus (easily reachable via the Green Line) though the other two are at Sullivan Stadium. All tickets cost 15 dollars.

B.C. basketball is the Big East, and your chance to goggle at national powers like Georgetown and Villanova.

The Boston Lob-sters. Professional team tennis. Throw'em back in the Harbor.

THE MEDIA

The Boston Globe. The Globe's sports section is consistently voted the best in the country. Its thorough, well-written coverage will make you forget your hometown rag--unless you want to know what's happening outside of New England. In that case, there's always USA Today

Writers Peter Gammons (baseball), Ron Borges (football), Dan Shaugnessy (basketball) and columnist Leigh Montville are among the best in the country, and the Sunday section--which includes a notes column on each major sport--is a handy procrastination tool.

The Boston Herald. Not bad, but the Globe's here.

Television. Bob Lobel, the Channel 4 sports anchor and the leading area TV personality, gives us Sports Spotlight--a hilarious sports bloopers show--every Thursday night. Don't miss it, and stick with Lobel for all your sports coverage; he usually graces the screen around 6:25 p.m. on the evening shows and 11:20 p.m. on the nightcasts.

Radio. WEEI (590 am) provides the best and most consistent sportscasts--twice-hourly updates and two-hour wrap-ups on weekend nights; it also carries Patriots games. WPLM (1330 am) and WHDH (850 am) carry the Sox, but don't expect objective criticism from announcers Joe Castiglione (a Phil Rizutto sound-alike) and Ken Coleman--the way they talk, you'd think the Sox knew how to run the bases and the World Series was just around the corner, but hey, we all know who signs their paychecks. The Bruins are also on WPLM.