SO YOU WANT TO see Bruce Springsteen? You call up the local ticket office. Sure, they have ticket. They are $75 each. The scars have an obstructed view. The seats are behind the stage. The scars are the rough equivalent of a cross between a Walkman and a Viewmaster.

What's going on' Isn't scalping illegal in Massachusetts' In fact, Bav State law says that tickets cannot be sold for more than $2 above their face value. However, this doesn't apply to concerns out of state Bruce is playing a Providence, Rhode Island.

This is only one of the problems involved in seeing a good concern in the Boston area. Most bands don't want to play in Boston Garden because of its acoustics, scatting and other problems. So if they don't go to Rhode Island, they go to the Worcesfer Centrum Which is fine for all the students at Worcesfer High, who immediately buy 1,000 tickets each and help them back to us for 10 times the original price and a pound of flesh for good measure.

So how to combat these scalpers? How can we get tickets to these shows? Establishing residency in Rhode Island or Dorchester would seem to be the immediate solution. Those not of the "if you can't beat them." school of justice might want to deal with the problem of scalpers directly.

A most practical solution to the problem of obtaining tickets is to keep abreast of concert dates and information. Reading music magazines and the arts section of the paper helps. A couple of subscriptions will run you about $35. Periodically to the various box offices, aren't a bad idea either Say another 20 bucks. Of course, everyone else is doing this too so to get a jump on them, you might want to take out a few misleading ads in the paper. (Sample format "See Bono live at Briggs Cage! Call...") This will run about $100 if you get caught, legal tees might run a bit more.

Once you've got the dates the fours start and the tickets go on sale you've go to make time to want in line. See if you can get a friend to do it. Buying a new friend afterward will run around $375. If you can't afford new friends, or don't have any you'll must have to get your teeth, miss those classes and wait in line yourself.

you now come to a choice You can buy front row, right in the action seats ($25) of your can buy the sleazy last now tickets (SI) It yo buy the sleaze tickets you can get there early, steal a front row seat and rely on survival of the fittest as you battle the real owner when he shown up. There is at good chance you'll be higher up on the evolutionary scale as many tock concert patrons lack opposable thumbs Of course your chances with this method are better at either Judas Priest on Twisted Sister shows.

Your total bill not obtaining tickets now runs about $555. This is a net loss of $355 from what you cold have paid the sealpet.

AN M.H. RNNHVI solution is to sullen the laws on the resale of tickets. A harsh penalty could be levied on those individuals who resell tickets for profit. Perhaps they should be forced to go through the above ritual ad infinitum. Or maybe they should shown the real meaning of the term "scalp."

The Law could be adjusted to fit the severity of the crime. Since there is a $2 profit limit those making $2.10 would suffer a vigorous verbal rebuke. Those scalpers making a profit of $2.50 would be stripped, smeared in honey, and the with Harvard Food Service. Those scalpers making a percent of $200 would become the involuntary donors of rejected what organs And so on.

Since these legal changes will probably require a Constitutional amendment to institute, you'll probably never see the Springsteen concert while you'll just have to lower your standards. Check out that Pat Boone concert. Or how about The Cramps? The Circle Jerks might be in town. And if you get really desperate, you might want to catch a Harvard basketball game.