JERRY FALWELL'S Moral Majority Mystery Tour is hoping to take you away.

Yes, scarcely three months after it played in Pretoria to sell-out audiences, Jerry Falwell's Moral Majority Mystery Tour is on the road again, bigger and better than ever. Jerry and the Scripture-Screamers were booked last week for a thrilla in Manila. Belting out chorus after chorus of their new hit single, "Commie Containers," they captured the imagination of the Phillippine nation.

President Ferdinand E. Marcos, the democratically elected leader of that island paradise, served as the recording star's personal host during the two-day visit. "I'm a great fan of that New Right music," he said.

Falwell told reporters that he had long admired Marcos's benevolent rule. "This man has done more for freedom than Richard Nixon and Spiro Agnew combined," he said while touring one of beautiful Manila's many prisons. When inmates at the correctional facility refused gifts of his newest album, "Falling Dominoes," Falwell attributed it to the international Communist conspiracy. But, he said, it was nothing to worry about. "Sure, there are troublemakers here, but we have them in the United States too."

The Scripture-Screamers were booked for a show at Malacanang Palace Monday morning, but sniper fire in downtown Manila delayed the band's bus. When they finally arrived, carrying bullet-proof Bibles, it was already late afternoon.

Falwell said that the situation in the Phillippines was being distored by American reporters and that "the impression is left in the United States that Manila is a war zone." But he said, "I feel a lot safer in Manila than I do in New York or Washington, where they have those large populations of Blacks and AIDS-contaminated homosexuals." He added, "It's unreal that tourism has almost dried up here because of that kind of fear when in fact this is a paradise. The Garden of Eden was on the outskirts of Manila."

Inside Malacanang Palace, Jerry and the Scripture-Screamers brought a standing-room-only crowd to its feet with "Phony," a song first played at the band's South African concert.

I can't take it no more, All the news on the poor, Phony, phony, PHONY, Bishop Tutu's a fraud, But people applaud, Phony, phony, PHONY, It's all a Commie plot, But they say it's not, Phony, phony, PHONY...

AFTER THE CONCERT, Falwell dined with President Marcos and his wife, Imelda. In his toast, Falwell said, "The Republic of the Phillippines is a great land and a free country and the best friend we have in the whole wide world. Who cares if you don't have white skin?"

Falwell praised Marcos, for moving scheduled elections from 2032 to 1998. "Our own President sought the Oval Office for 16 years, so I think 14 years is a fair amount of time to give prospective candidates." He added, "I don't think anyone can deny the fact that had it not been for the Marcos family, the chances are that the situation would not be what it is today." Mortar fire outside the palace punctuated his remark.

Tuesday morning, Jerry and the Scripture-Screamers toured the slum area of Tondo. "Hiya, fella," Falwell said, greeting a naked native in his spartan cardboard hut. He presented the man with a bullet-proof Bible and the Scripture-Screamers' recent album, "Welfare Queen." "If you pray hard, maybe you'll get a record player," he said.

Standing next to an open sewage ditch, Falwell talked about his visit. "It's people like this we're fighting to save from Godless Communism. These people are poor, but they're also proud. They don't want handouts. They don't want education for their children if it has to come from progressive taxation." He added, "I would support anything the United States could do and would do to prevent the Republic of the Phillippines from falling to the Communists. It's time for us to stop bellyaching and arm these Phillippine freedom fighters with nuclear weapons."

Falwell said that he would not rule out the deployment of American soldiers to the region. "We messed up in Vietnam, so I look at this as a second opportunity provided by the Lord."

Jerry Falwell's Moral Majority Mystery Tour is hoping to take you away.