The following conversations was recorded in the Kremlin by a top-secret U.S. electronic device. A tape of the conversation was leaked to The Crimson by astral White House sources.

KGB Chief Viktor Chebrikov: My dear Comrade General Secretary. I regret to inform you of a most serious intelligence lapse.

Konstantin U. Chernenko: What? Did Dobrynin finally defect?

Chebrikov: No, something much more serious. Comrade General One of our top secret moles may now be compromised.

Chernenko: Who is it? The man they call Mr. D?

Chebrikov: You mean Mr. T. sir Not him, luckily for us. But this is almost as bad. The chief of our east coast disinformation campaign. William F. Buckley has gone off, as they say in America, "the deep end."

Chernenko: No, not Buckley!!! He was one of our best.

Chebrikov: Yes, sir the Krem de la Krem. It was he who helped whip up the anti-Soviet paranoia in 1980 to help the election of our friend, Ronald Reagan. It was he who helped fan the fires of extreme anti-communism over the '60s and '70s while the doves in the Democratic Party went soft on our efforts. Were it not for him, and his friends like George Will, we might now have to be talking to the Americans.

Chernenko: I know that, fool, but what was it that he did?

Chebrikov: Well sir, last week in his syndicated column, which hundreds of papers around the country carry, he launched an attack on Derek Bok, the president of that bastion of capitalism, Harvard University.

Chernenko: Oh yes, I remember that guy Back before he took over from Leonid. Yuri had your boys do a check on him Tried to get him to acquiesce in our subversion campaign against Harvard students. It was no problem. We got that Core passed through the Faculty with barely a whimper. So what's going on in Cambridge?

Chebrikov: It seems that another one of our operatives, an alert alumnus of that famous school, whose name I cannot divulge, tried to whip up a little more anti-Communist feeling. He wrote a letter to Bok, very cleverly, criticizing the fact that Harvard had on its Faculty an avowed communist that despicable revanchist, Kautskian John Womack, who has brown-nosed his way to the head of the History Department there.

Chernenko: Oh Womack, not that odious weasel'

Chebrikov: Yes, the weasel himself Well. Bok, like the good capitalist that he is, responded with a lot of that dreck about academic freedom, you know the kind of principle those Americans get all sanctimonious about.

Bok wrote to our agent, "The fact that he is a communist is not, of itself, a matter of concern to us so long as he does not seek to indoctrinate his students. I might add that although most Harvard professors are somewhere in the normal Republican-Democratic range of political viewpoints, we do have some faculty members who fall outside this spectrum, being either libertarians or communists or goodness knows what."