The Crimson has received the following predictions for 1983 from a highly placed and generally reliable astral source, who asked not to be identified:

January

President Reagan promises to use the appointment of a new Transportation Secretary to "make peace" with liberal and minority groups disaffected with his policies. "What I'm really looking for is a Black, handicapped, elderly nun who's been cut from food stamps and is anti-muke and pro-environment," he explains, adding, "If she's got Sandinista friends, that's all the better."

Embattled Boston Mayor Kevin White is indicted on 37 counts of bribery and misuse of public funds. Blaming Bulgarian operatives for "smearing me," the four-terns Hub leader takes to the airwaves to clear his name. In one commercial, White is shown purchasing 200 cans of Ajax, "just to show I'm still Mr. Clean."

Congress resumes session, and North Carolina Sen. Jesse Helms immediately begins a new filibuster on an old topic: the "repressive" five-cent federal gas tax approved in December. "Damned if Howard and Ray-gun try to shut me up again," drawls an angry Helms. "They do that and we'll secede."--

A private geneaologist discovers that Dean of the College John B. Fox Jr. '59, Economics Professor John Kenneth Galbraith, and Los Angeles Laker star Kareem Abdul-Jabbar are, in fact, distant relatives. "No one ever believed me when I said I have a great fade away jumper, and now they will," says an elated Galbraith. "We are all Keynestans now," intones the 6-foot, 9-inch Fox, tossing the College's 1983 budget into the wastebasket.

Controversy continues to rage over the closed meetings of several Undergraduate Council committees. Council chairman Michael G. Colantuono '83 reverses his earlier opposition to the closed sessions and announces that full Council meetings will now not only be shut to the public, but protected by armed guards prepared to use Mace on intruders.

The Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority announced that subway construction in Harvard Square "really is almost complete this time."

February

Learning that the Soviet Union has hundreds of missiles stationed in Georgia, the President puts all United States troops on a sudden military alert and orders Atlanta evacuated. Embarrassed aides explains to the Chief Executive that the missiles are in the Soviet South, but not before Reagan asks Congress for a $3 billion emergency "revenue enhancement measure" for shovels and canned goods.

The Government Department appoints Gen Curtis LeMay a tenured professor. In an interview, LeMay, George Wallace's 1968 running-mate, endorses the President's call for a surgical strike on Savannah.

Boxing promoter Don King announces that he has arranged a July title bout between Marvelous Marvin Hagler and Sugar Ray Leonard, who has been lured out of retirement by a record $25 million purse. The warm-up fight before the middleweight bout will be the long-awaited grudge match between Martin Peretz and Alexander Cock burn. "We're billing it as Beirut II," says King.

Harvard Football Coach Joe Restic, unsuccessfully sought by numerous professional teams for years, finally leaves the University--to coach at nearby Cambridge Rindge and Latin High School, "Maybe they can understand the Multi flex," he sighs.

Budget battles heat up late in the month between the White House and Congress, and charges fly. Capitol Hill Democrats call the President stubborn and unrealistic. He declares, in response, that opposition to his budget--"and to the Peacekeeper. Jim Watt and Nancy"--is "Communist-inspired." He does not elaborate.

March