When one football team beats another into doll rags like Harvard did Penn this weekend, it leaves you a lot of time to let your eyes wander away from the field and see what's going on in the rest of the stadium.

So, this past Saturday I watched the cheerleaders. After all, how could I avoid them. I was in the fifth row, and they were standing there yelling in my face for half of the game.

Contemplating these happy circumstances, I quickly came to the conclusion that cheerleaders are really a waste of everyone's time.

After all, cheerleaders are supposed to lead cheers, right? Now when was the last time you ever saw that happen? Face it, most of the people at football games are either too bombed, too concerned with beating the spread, or--especially in these parts--too cold to pay any attention to them.

So what do they do all that time out there if they are not leading cheers? Wiggle their extremities in front of a large crowd for the most part. That is still illegal in seven states, but I must confess that I would rather have them do that than really do their job because most cheers are just plain silly:

Jiggle to the left,

Wriggle to the right,

Shake your body up and down and fight, fight, fight.

Now don't get the idea that I am just trying to make fun of the Harvard cheerleaders here. I would never be so cruel.

We're after the whole species. But, as I understand it, they're all closely related anyway. Apparently someone associated with the Patriots' Pin-ups, or whatever they call that twitch team out at Foxboro, helped Harvard's corps get organized.

Role Models

Maybe our football program should look to Foxboro for answers, too. When the Patriots got cheerleaders, they went from a promising young team to a good club that couldn't win the big game and on to a team that now can't buy a win. The Pittsburgh Steelers are the only franchise now in the NFL without a pom-pom squad. They are also the only team ever to win three Super Bowls. If we did away with sideline distractions, would we be able to beat someone besides Penn at home?

Equal Time

Lest I leave myself open to charges of chauvinism here, let me also say that I have no use for male cheerleaders. As a matter of fact, I honestly feel for them.

Imagine their plight in 20 years. A little kid jumps on his daddy's knee and asks, "What did you do in the big game, Daddy?" Daddy says, "I ran around behind a group of girls jumping up and down like an idiot and yelling my fool head off."

I worry even more about the guy who twirls a baton for Ohio State, but that is another story.