Imagine, if you will, Howard Cosell intoning in his inimitable manner: "The locales--Detroit's Cobo Hall, home of the hapless Pistons, and Madison Square Garden in New York, home of Sonny Werblin (the man who signed Joe Willie Namath thereby altering forever the face of football) and his corporate-athletic empire. The promoters--the national organizations some call 'the parties.' The contestants..."

Remember, this is the summer of the Olympic boycott. This is the summer of the magical moments in Moscow that weren't. This is the summer of the convergence between sports and politics.

Extensive research, coupled with confirmation from highly-placed, reliable sources, have provided indisputable evidence that the boycott was done to erase distractions from the public mind so that the national conventions could receive undivided attention this summer.

Hmm...

Consider, for example, the recent news that NBC will lose only $15 million on its investment to cover the Olympics in Moscow--because the network took out insurance when it first bought the rights. Who would ever think of buying insurance three years ago? Obviously, NBC knew about the boycott before the Soviets invaded Afghanistan.

Conspiracy is perhaps too strong a word to use. But $15 million is a pittance when weighed against the publicity and public sympathy NBC has gained from its decision to forfeit coverage of the Games. Besides, America loves a horse race. So do journalists. And the only Olympic brand of horse racing is equestrian. You can't bet on equestrian.

By contrast, a quick survey of convention candidates shows that while we may not have much of a race in Detroit or New York, we most assuredly have a stable full of horses.

These horses will have a host of stable-boys, in the form of delegates and media types who will predictably pander to their every need, all the while carrying out a self-fabricated race of their own, for the big "scoop" or the nearest urinal. They will wear buttons extolling their favorite horse--or the only horse, as the case may be.

Quadrennial

You see, the national parties have little experience as promoters, since they only promote one race every four years. Curiously, it is in their interest not to have too good a race lest they lose to their rival in the special stakes race in November.

So in recent years, the backroom jockeys' influence has receded substantially. Now, the horses don't even train for the quadrennial summer races--after all, they only have to trot a few perfunctory laps.

Lingo

The convergence between sports and politics is unmistakable. Notice how all the news broadcasters and reporters and political columnists suddenly write and talk as if they cover sports.

"Here we are at Madison Square Garden."

"A brutal battle, head-to-head, toe-to-toe, a real slugfest, waiting for the knockout punch."

"A solid win. He's yet to lose about."

"Neck-and-neck, down to the wire. The key issue appears to be ERA."

"The crowd is going crazy. It's all over. Wait, wait...there's a fight in the second row..."

Or, as Mr. Cosell might pontificate, "Another disgusting display of exploiting national coverage to gain attention. These people have yet to recognize the distinction between liberty and license."

Convention language, alright--very conventional, if you follow sports.

Why all this clamor about separating sports and politics? Where would the media be? Might the promoters of the summer conventions be confusing liberty and license by fixing the races before they even start?

Suggestions

These, along with several other profound questions, will not be answered in Cobo (gulp) Hall or Madison Square (gasp) Garden. So here are a few suggestions to spice up the ultimate sporting events in the country:

Rename the parties the Democratic and Republican Leagues. Award the winner of each league a pennant. Declare the winner of the November stretch drive World Series champion (Why be so modest as to call the victor only "President of the United States? "World Series champ"--now that would show the Soviets).

Have each league hold a draft of all American citizens. Institute some form of a "reserve clause" to stock the army. Have the World Series champion go on TV and shake a file cabinet listing the names of all those drafted at the Soviets. That would show 'em.

Start calling the conventions the semifinals or the playoffs.

Make Howard Cosell anchorman on ABC World News Tonight.

Give Dave Anderson, Dave Kindred and Leigh Montville columns on their respective newspapers' op-ed pages. Move David Broder over to sports.

Combine the Army and Air Force, and rename the new division the AFC. Lump the Marines and the Navy into the NFC. Have them play football all year--not the European kind, if you're on my wavelength.

Challenge the Red Army to a home-and-home American football showdown.

Rename all horses Boxer and send them to conventions once every four years. Cancel the Olympics.

Give liberty to the print media, but license the electronic media.