Imagine, if you will, Howard Cosell intoning in his inimitable manner: "The locales--Detroit's Cobo Hall, home of the hapless Pistons, and Madison Square Garden in New York, home of Sonny Werblin (the man who signed Joe Willie Namath thereby altering forever the face of football) and his corporate-athletic empire. The promoters--the national organizations some call 'the parties.' The contestants..."

Remember, this is the summer of the Olympic boycott. This is the summer of the magical moments in Moscow that weren't. This is the summer of the convergence between sports and politics.

Extensive research, coupled with confirmation from highly-placed, reliable sources, have provided indisputable evidence that the boycott was done to erase distractions from the public mind so that the national conventions could receive undivided attention this summer.

Hmm...

Consider, for example, the recent news that NBC will lose only $15 million on its investment to cover the Olympics in Moscow--because the network took out insurance when it first bought the rights. Who would ever think of buying insurance three years ago? Obviously, NBC knew about the boycott before the Soviets invaded Afghanistan.

Conspiracy is perhaps too strong a word to use. But $15 million is a pittance when weighed against the publicity and public sympathy NBC has gained from its decision to forfeit coverage of the Games. Besides, America loves a horse race. So do journalists. And the only Olympic brand of horse racing is equestrian. You can't bet on equestrian.

By contrast, a quick survey of convention candidates shows that while we may not have much of a race in Detroit or New York, we most assuredly have a stable full of horses.

These horses will have a host of stable-boys, in the form of delegates and media types who will predictably pander to their every need, all the while carrying out a self-fabricated race of their own, for the big "scoop" or the nearest urinal. They will wear buttons extolling their favorite horse--or the only horse, as the case may be.

Quadrennial

You see, the national parties have little experience as promoters, since they only promote one race every four years. Curiously, it is in their interest not to have too good a race lest they lose to their rival in the special stakes race in November.

So in recent years, the backroom jockeys' influence has receded substantially. Now, the horses don't even train for the quadrennial summer races--after all, they only have to trot a few perfunctory laps.

Lingo

The convergence between sports and politics is unmistakable. Notice how all the news broadcasters and reporters and political columnists suddenly write and talk as if they cover sports.

"Here we are at Madison Square Garden."

"A brutal battle, head-to-head, toe-to-toe, a real slugfest, waiting for the knockout punch."