But the silliness of our contest was easily matched by the dumbness of the entries. Why pick on pizza? Truth Consultant quickly wearied of wading through dozens of references to that aromatic round Italian delicacy; there were so many pizza captions Truth Consultant had to construct a separate Pizza Division. Overcrowding forced him to add a Pepperoni Subdivision.

Gary Engler of San Francisco State University is Ampersand's Pizza Division winner with "RCA announced today the release of Elvis--the Pizza Sessions; previously unreleased material of Elvis talking, toking and singing while eating pizza. This limited edition 3-album set will include a special collector's poster of Elvis' stomach from 1956-1976. (List $49.95 /Extra Cheese $54.95)." Pizza Division winner Engler will be receiving a Greatest Hits album, just as soon as Truth Consultant falls by the Elvis section of a handy record store.

Grand prize, the extravagantly overpriced 25th Anniversary Limited Edition Elvis Aron Presley, an 8-record set containing 65 unreleased performances, 8 full-color Elvis Picture sleeves, a 20-page picture booklet and an Authentic Autograph imbedded in each of the 8 records, goes to Kevin P. Whaley, surely the snappiest wit ever to cross the University of Wisconsin campus. The truth, and our winning entry, as revealed by Whaley:

"Jimmy Hoffa Finally Comes Home. Here Mrs. Hoffa accepts Jimmy's skull from Detroit Teamster leaders as Chuckie O'Brien [Hoffa's natural son] makes sure all of Daddy made it back safely."