Hey you, freshman.

Yeah, I'm talking to you.

Did you really think for a minute that you had anyone fooled? That maybe you were enjoying it here after the capital punishment they call Freshman Week? Or, even more pathetic, that you've got all the cool, upperclass knowledge of courses because you attended a few low-numbered vocational lectures yesterday?

Believe me, I know your type. Probably asked Albert Lord why his family took the name of a famous celebrity.

Enough pomposity. I feel sorry for all the freshmen out there. You want to be accepted. You want to be cool. You want to be Harvard, whatever that is.

I've got news for you. You're not going to impress anyone by hanging around the condiment table at the Union or taking your lecture notes in shorthand.

Sports.

Sports is your ticket to the brass ring of acceptance as a Yardling. You don't have to be athletically inclined--just give the appearance that recreation is your release from the bureaucratic holding penalty that is the Ivy League.

It's not difficult to pretend that you are an athlete. Some of us make a career out of it. And while you may not impress your fellow newcomers, if anything you'll be characterized, and that's half the battle won in the terrorism of the freshman identity crisis.

So take off those disgusting black cotton socks for starters and follow some of these helpful hints to non-athletic jockdom as a freshman:

*Instead of wasting your time throwing that pansy Frisbee thing in the Yard, throw a five-pound discus.

*Tell everyone you played "semi-pro ball." Semi-pro ball can be anything from soccer to cheeze-squeezing. And if somebody tries to corner you and asks you what semi-pro league you played in, just give the standard neurotic freshman response, "What, don't you believe me?" and storm away.

*Handle any conversation like it was a post-game interview. Always talk about "being up," "playing with intensity," or just "feelin' real good."

*Take all your v-neck sweaters, cut off the sleeves at the elbows, tape a number on the back, and say it's a new lambswool jersey you've been asked to endorse.

*Always refer to Derek Bok as "The Turk."

*Run around the Yard for the first two weeks in a track outfit with your study card rolled up like a baton.

*Walk around Soldiers Field with a three-iron for hours asking people if they saw the tee shot you hit from the other side of the Charles.

*Make a point of saying that you would have been in Faces In The Crowd last week but your picture was overexposed.

*Wear cleats in Lamont so when your shoes squeak people will look up at you and think you just came off the practice field.

*Walk around with grease paint under your eyes on sunny days.

*For the females, just wear different types of plaid kilts and tell everyone that they're from the various all-star field hockey teams that you played with in Europe.

*Use a batting glove as a bookmark.

*Blow your nose with a penalty flag.

*If you take advice from any athletes the first thing they'll tell you is not to trusts sportswriters. Shows how much they know. Do any one of these things and I guarantee you that the noose in your closet will be down by November.

If you'll excuse me, I have to go look for my tee shot.