In the beginning was the English Department. And the English Department created the criticism and the concentration, and all the requirements of the field and all the thesis of the air.

And the English Department looked down and saw that it was good. Then the English Department looked about, and saw vast ignorance among the people concerning the English Bible. So the English Department created the Bible requirement and gave the people English 13 so they might fulfill it and be saved.

And the English Department formed Morton Bloomfield out of the dust of Widener, and of the dust of books was he fashioned. And the people looked upon him, and were bored, even unto death.

But the English Department was firm in its resolve and would not spare the people. And they suffered mightily. And Morton sent a plague of horrible, unprepared lectures upon them, and they languished in pain all the days of the fall.

Then Morton sent upon the people two pestilences of papers. And the people groaned while performing the tasks, murmuring against the English Department. And the papers were graded. Some were graded by Jenny Goodman and Anne Montgomery. These were saved. Some were graded by Prudence Steiner, and these were cast by the wayside. And there was weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth.

And the people murmured against Morton, and stayed away from lectures to tend their other crops. But unlike the Prodigal Son they found no improvement upon their return.

And the people took the final exam, not caring for salvation. For all they knew was that Morton would be gone and happiness could return to the land.

And some people went out from that place and wrote these things in the book of "Confi Guide" so others might know. The fruit of English 13 should not be eaten, neither should you taste thereof. Seek for salvation in passing the English Department Bible test.