Okay. You've spent a week packing up all your belongings, tearfully saying goodbye to your boy/girl friend (as the case may be), psyching yourself up for the plunge into the big time, and now you, too, are ready to play one of Harvard's oldest and weirdest games. It's called Freshman Week, and everyone in the Class of 1982 can join in the fun. Freshman Week, like death, taxes, and papers, is one of those things that you just can't avoid. So you might as well make the best of it. Out advice to you it to relax, be open, not nervous (you're here, so you must be as good as everyone else, right?), and don't do anything you don't want to do. You may love the week, and then again you may hate it--in fact, most people do, because the nervous-energy level that occurs when a lot of people jontly try to acclimate themselves to a new and very high powered situation can be tought to take. One way or anther, kids, you'll come away with memories that will stay with you as long as you last at Harvard, and perhaps beyond. Most students have at least one great story to tell about Freshman Week, so keep a sense of humor and keep your eyes open.

At any rate, Freshman Week can be totally bewildering, particularly if you aren't wellversed in the techniques of crowd control and mob psychology. Recognizing this unfortunate fact, we at The Crimson once again present our guide to Freshman Week. We also suggest a few of the time-honored stylistic approaches to the week (see sidebar). While we don't necessarily fell that our viewpoint on Freshman Week is superior to anyone else's, we're sure that it's more fun. There's one cardinal rule to Freshman Week; keep it in mind at all times. Of all the events listed below, only one of them is mandatory. Everything else, logically enough, is optional, and it's usually a good idea to exercise that option. A week spent mostly in and around your dorm, meeting the people you'l;l have to deal with all year, is bound to be more fun and rewarding than attending scads of fool events staged in the greatest display of Harvardianan you'll see until you graduate (if you graduate).

Friday, September 8

9:00 a.m. Dorms Opens Here's where the early bird gets the primo worm. What you need here is the speed of Houston Mac Tear and the brute strength of Otis Sistrunk (University of Mars and the Oakland Raiders). You see, most suites in the Yard have one single bedroom and another room (or a few rooms) in which latecomers get to double up. So there's an obvious advantage awaiting you if you get up here real early, obtain your key from the janitor, and sprint up to your room with all your belongings in two. Once you've got the single, you are in the advantageous position of having the upper hand when it comes time for negotiations with not-always-tractable jealous roommates. Of course, there is something to be said for getting the precious single during the spring, when you might be able to make better use of it. So the 9 a.m. sprint is only recommended for the truly compulsive.

10:00 a.m. Welcome Longue for Parents at the Union. This is the kind of scene that you will definitely want to avoid. Bad coffee and chewy donuts, combined with anxious students chafing to break the parental bond. Go only if you brought your apron strings with you.

11 a.m.-3 p.m. Set up the stuff in your room. Spend at least 40 minutes deciding where to place that 8x10 color glossy of your boy/girl friends, as the case may be. Prominently display great books, prefeably dog-eared copies. Once you have unpacked, sit around and calmly wait for your new roommate(s). When he/she arrives, be friendly, by careful to assert your superiority. Trade SAT scores. Actually, this is a fairly grotesque practice, and it is regarded as boorish, but among roommates, all is fair. Brag about your exploits, academic, athletic, or sexual, depending on what will work best. If you didn't get the single, make sure you get your roommate to agree to switch at some equitable point. Afterwards, go to a bank and open a checking account. Look for a bank that offers free checking. Then, wander around the Yard, and get hopelessly lost at least once.

4:00 p.m. Reception for Minority Freshmen and Parents, Boylston Hall. If you are not a minority student, hand around in the Yard, watch others moving in. Make nasty comments. Play frisbee. If your parents are still around, bilk them into a meal at an expensive restaurant, where you will doubtless see most of the rest of your class and their parents, too.

8:00 p.m. to whenever. Hand around in your dorm. Tell outrageous lies to you roommates, and see how much you can get away with. (Remember, they're probably lying too.) Get drunk, or whatever. The first night I was here in 1975 was the best night of Freshman Week for me, because I met up with my future roommates, some ice, and a quart of Jim Beam. We've all been friends ever since.

Saturday, September 9

9 a.m.The new Freshman Dean's Office, situated on scenic Prescott Street (would you believe they dragged an entire house across the campus?), is scheduled to be open. That is, if they finish putting it together in time. But they may not, in which case their office will still be in University Hall, that Bullfinch-designed bastion of deans and suckups. Either way, they will be open, but you should be in bed.

10:00 a.m.-12:00; 2:00 p.m. -4:00 p.m. Assembly/Workshop of Minority Students. Worthwhile, since representative of all the established campus minority organizations will be there. If you are minority student, don't miss this meeting Seriously.

11:00 a.m. Wake up.

12:00. If your parents are still here, gently inform them that the absolute deadline for parental departure is right after dinner. That way, you can bilk yet another free meal out of them (this will become the basis of your relationship with them for the next four years) and they can spend time with their baby, their brand new Ivy League genius. Warn them that if they don't depart by them a gignatic parentvacuum tours the Yard at 9 p.m. If your parents weren't here to begin with or they've already taken the hint and taken off, find yourself some lunch and maybe go shopping for a while for room provisions. Go to Harvard Student Agencies and rent a refrigerator. Go see the folks at New England Telephone about getting a magic communicator-box. But don't get sheets from HSA--bring your own.

3:00 p.m. Play touch football in the Yard. If you have a TV, watch the baseball Game of the Week (NBC is Channel 4 around here). Drink beer and hang out. Meet people.

4:00 p.m. Faculty Discussion: "Education and Society: The Harvard Tradition." James Q. Wilson, Shattuck Professor of Government, will hold forth in Science Center B. Fondly known as "Captain Lock-em-Up," Wilson is an expert criminologist. The word briliant fits Wilson like on of the fancy suits he wears. So do the words conservative, archaic, and gradeslayer. Whatever, he'll be talking about how great Harvard is, and what a contribution it has made to society (yeah, and napalm was invented here, too), and so on. Skippable, although it might be intersting as a way of seeing how offical Harvard perceives itself (they like themselves.)

5:30-7:30 p.m. Minority Students Picinic, Currier House. Probably not as important as the meeting during the afternoon, but why not?

9 a.m. on. Party. Meet people. Learn to avoid assholes; and fear not, there will be plenty of them. Become alienated. For added thrills, stand outside your dorm and watch and parentvacuum in operation. Tid down all light objects.

Sunday, September 10

11:00 a.m. Serive for Freshman and Parents, Memorial Church. It's actually quite nice, if you want to go.

1:00 p.m. Required meeting of Freshman eligible for Sophomore Standing, Science Center B. Boy, will this make you fell superior.

But there's no reason to hurry through, unless you really know what you to do. At this meeting, you can bet they'll tell you that someone in the room has 9 AP credits. Don't believe it. Only Brainiac V took 9 AP courses in high school, and look what happened to him.

3:15- p.m. Opening Exercises, in the Yard. This is the only mandatory meeting the Class of '82 will have until commencement, which is a long way off. But don't worry, they don't take attendance, although roving bands of Doberman Pinschers patrol the dorms to ensure a good turnout. Actually, a friend of mine skipped this meeting and met the woman he will probably marry, but this is an extreme example.

At this meeting you, will be offically welcomed to Harvard-Radcliffe by President Bok and Radcliffe President Horner. Derek Bok is an interesting guy. He's paid to look good and talk smooth. And you might see him two or three times more, with luck, before you graduate. Dean Henry Rosovsky will give an address, which promises be a million laughs. If it rains, forget it, because the welcoming will be held in Sanders Theater, which can't hold all of you. Which means that they stick the latecomers into the Science Center, where you watch the whole thing on big TV screens. They did that to me, and the screens kept blipping off. I remeber thinking "for this I'm paying $6000?" Well, it's $7500 now, and you still get the same service for your money, but you should go if only to identify the deans and other honochos on sight. And when they tell you the same service for your money. but you should go if only to identify the deans and other honchos on sight. And when they tell you that they make one mistake in the admissions office every year, don't be foolish enough to think it's you. It's your roommate.

5:30-7:30 p.m. Freshman picnic, Radcliffe Quad. This is a real splendid opportunity to see where some freshmen used to live, but not any more. It's also a good time to meet people, because tons of them will be milling around, looking for others to meet. But avoid the food, which is a harbinger of a long year at the Union. Eat at Elsie's, the sandwich joint par excellence, on Mt. Buburn Street, instead.

9:00 p.m. Required meeting with proctors. You do have to go to this, because your proctor will give you your own personal Bursar's Card, which proves that you go to Harvard. It gets you into libraries and dinning halls, not to mention out of trouble with the police. A handy tool, and it'll cost you ten bucks if you lost it. Also at this meeting, you proctor will introduce you to everyone else in your dorm or entryway. And he'll give you the standard rap on drugs and sex. And there will be free beer. 10:00 p.m. Party.

Monday, September 11

8:30 a.m. - 12:30 p.m. Registration, Memorial Hall. No way around this bewildering baptism into Harvard life. You have to register, so get it over with. This process entails standing in long lines, filling out forms, filling out more forms, filling out a few more forms, and then running the gauntlet of representatives of undergraduate organizations who line the twisting path to the exit. Check them out and by all means take the free copy of The Crimson. It'll make good reading, and it'll make us fell better. You can to the whole thing in about 45 minutes, unless you get the infamous red dot on your registration packet, which means that something it amiss between you and the term bills office (the girm reapers who will clean you or your family out of $30,000 in the next four years). Then you've got to get that straightened out. Good luck.

At Registration, you will also get a course catalogue. Good luck.

5:15 p.m. Intramural meeting. For jockos who don't quite make the inter-collegiate ranks and those who just like to play, at Emerson 105. Worth attending, if you're into this kind of stuff.

8:00 p.m. Faculty Discussion: "Process and Perspective: A Way of Looking at the World," Clyde Ferguson, Professor of Law, at Science Center B. This one actually sounds interesting.

9:00 p.m. on. Party. By now you should have a nascent clique of like-minded buddies. Good for you.

Tuesday, September 12

9:00 a.m. Reading Test. Required of all Freshmen. This is, as the pamphlet says, "A test to estmate reading skills." Don't worry, you can't fail, and it doesn'r really matter. If you don't do well, the University will recommend that you take a worthwhile reading comprehension course at the Bureau of Study Council. So the ends of this test are kindly, but the means are a drag. The material on the test is guaranteed to be dull (in '75 it was some drivel about English kings of the 12th Century and their legal practices, I think). And it's so damned early in the morning... Big hint: Look in the back of the reading for a summary. All the answers are there.

1:00-2:45 p.m. Placement test in French. Ho ho. Didn't get a 560 on your French achievement, did you? Well, if you do okay on this test you don't have to take a year of languages, which is nice. The tests aren't toohard, and they are offered in German, Spanish, Chemistry, Math, Italian, Latin, Modern Hebrew, Greek and Russian. The nonlanguage jobs are for placement only, and they all take place at various times throught the week. An unavoidable necessity, unless you're a non-science type who already placed out of the language requirement. In which case you ought to spend time exploring Cambridge and Boston, or, failing that, smoking dope/playing catch in the Yard.

8:00 p.m. Faculty Discussion: "The Study of Film in the University," with stanley Cavell, Cabot Professor of Aesthetics and the General Theory of Value (great title, eh?). A movie will be shown and analyzed, which sounds like it'll be about as much fun as an evening with Henny Youngman. Cavell is a brilliant guy, but his lecturing style tends towards the dull and the obscure. Another harbinger--this one of all the dull lectures you will attend. We recommend a pass on this one. You'd be better off doing what we've told you to do every other night so far, that is, party, flip through the course catalogue, smoke dope/play catch in the Yard.

Wednesday, September 13

All throught today, there will be introductory meetings of interested Freshmen with the coaches of various teams. And there will also be physical examinations, from 4 to 10 p.m., for those considering a career in athletics here. But for the most part, this an open day, that is, the University doesn't have too many things up its sleeve for you. So relax.

1:00 p.m. Open house at the Office of Career Services and Off-Campus Learning, 54 Dunster Street. This is a great place, and their open house is usually very interesting. If you've ever been unsure of what to do with your life in college and afterwards (in other words, if you're a normal, confused 18-year-old), this is for you.

2:15 p.m. Athletic Meeting for all freshment intersted in intercollegiate athletics, Indoor Athletic Building, top floor. Now you can see what a pit the IAB is and why the basketball team has never been too inspired.

5:00 p.m.Faculty Discussion: "The Present State of Relativity," with steven Weinberg, Professor of Physics, at Science Center A. As far as we know, te earth is still in place, but if this is your kind of stuff, well, check it out.

8:00 p.m. Faculty Discussion: "Being and Knowing," with Louis Vosgerchian, Professor of Music, in Payne Hall. Vosgerchian is a really nice, enthusiastic teacher, but her lecture are rather scattered, if enjoyable. Up to you.

Evening: This should be a good night to check out some Cambridge night life, particularly since upperclassmen whould be returning about now.

9:30 p.m. Dance and Dance Instruction, at the Union. Arthur Murray won't be there, and you shouldn't be there either.

Thursday, September 14

Another sort of slow day. Smoke dope, play frisbee all day, or lie in the sun, if there is any. there usually isn't any. There are a couple of Freshman Trips, leaving at 9:30 for the Boston Museum of Fine arts and the Revolutionary War sites at Lexington and Concord, but you're bound to have more fun if you go on your own.

4:00 p.m. Freshman seminar Applications due, Prince House. This is the bi-annual free-for-all for places in selective and worthwile seminars, maybe your only chance for real contact with notoriously evanescent faculty members. Lots of luck.

Evening: Party, smoke dope/play catch of course.

Friday, September 15

Today upperclassmen register, and you will feel the University really come to life. But don't worry, there are still some events designed for you.

2:00 p.m. Introductory meeting for theater types at the Loeb Drama Center. The president of the Harvard-Radcliffe Dramatic Club, a really nice guy, will give a little talk and a tour around this beautiful facility. Kind of fun, if only to gawk at the self-confessed theater types on campus.

8:00 and 10:00 p.m. The ridiculous movie, Love Story, will be shown inthe Science center. If you haven't seen it yet, well, you might as well get it over with. It stars Ryan O'Neal and Ali MacGraw, but the real star is harvard. As if they didn't give this place enough press as it is.

Saturday, september 16

10:30 a.m. Radcliffe College Centennial Celebration. Join in the fun as we celebrate the 100th birthday of a college that now seems to exist in name only.

4:30-6:30 p.m. Half of the Freshmen get to have tea with the Boks and the Horners at the Fogg Museum. They used to serve booze at these things, but they got completely out of control, so now you can only have tea or coffee. Not worth it, although you should check out the Fogg. And the other half of the class gets to join the fun on Sunday. The time might better spent writing an ecstatic or semi-suicidal letter to your girl/boy friend, as the case may be, and sending postcards to doting relatives. 8:30 p.m.-midnight. This is it. Memorial Hall will rock (?) tonight with the freshman Mixer, one of the most crowded, sweaty, noisy, horny and thoroughly revolting rites of passage you will ever have to endure. Of course, you don't have to go. The place is filled to the gills with people looking to lose their virginity, or whatever, and it can be a real turn-off. Then again, you might fall in love. And remember, classes start on Monday, so get ready to settle down. Have a good week, and if you don't, well, it'll all be over soon.