Okay. You've spent a week packing up all your belongings, tearfully saying goodbye to your boy/girl friend (as the case may be), psyching yourself up for the plunge into the big time, and now you, too, are ready to play one of Harvard's oldest and weirdest games. It's called Freshman Week, and everyone in the Class of 1982 can join in the fun. Freshman Week, like death, taxes, and papers, is one of those things that you just can't avoid. So you might as well make the best of it. Out advice to you it to relax, be open, not nervous (you're here, so you must be as good as everyone else, right?), and don't do anything you don't want to do. You may love the week, and then again you may hate it--in fact, most people do, because the nervous-energy level that occurs when a lot of people jontly try to acclimate themselves to a new and very high powered situation can be tought to take. One way or anther, kids, you'll come away with memories that will stay with you as long as you last at Harvard, and perhaps beyond. Most students have at least one great story to tell about Freshman Week, so keep a sense of humor and keep your eyes open.

At any rate, Freshman Week can be totally bewildering, particularly if you aren't wellversed in the techniques of crowd control and mob psychology. Recognizing this unfortunate fact, we at The Crimson once again present our guide to Freshman Week. We also suggest a few of the time-honored stylistic approaches to the week (see sidebar). While we don't necessarily fell that our viewpoint on Freshman Week is superior to anyone else's, we're sure that it's more fun. There's one cardinal rule to Freshman Week; keep it in mind at all times. Of all the events listed below, only one of them is mandatory. Everything else, logically enough, is optional, and it's usually a good idea to exercise that option. A week spent mostly in and around your dorm, meeting the people you'l;l have to deal with all year, is bound to be more fun and rewarding than attending scads of fool events staged in the greatest display of Harvardianan you'll see until you graduate (if you graduate).

Friday, September 8

9:00 a.m. Dorms Opens Here's where the early bird gets the primo worm. What you need here is the speed of Houston Mac Tear and the brute strength of Otis Sistrunk (University of Mars and the Oakland Raiders). You see, most suites in the Yard have one single bedroom and another room (or a few rooms) in which latecomers get to double up. So there's an obvious advantage awaiting you if you get up here real early, obtain your key from the janitor, and sprint up to your room with all your belongings in two. Once you've got the single, you are in the advantageous position of having the upper hand when it comes time for negotiations with not-always-tractable jealous roommates. Of course, there is something to be said for getting the precious single during the spring, when you might be able to make better use of it. So the 9 a.m. sprint is only recommended for the truly compulsive.

10:00 a.m. Welcome Longue for Parents at the Union. This is the kind of scene that you will definitely want to avoid. Bad coffee and chewy donuts, combined with anxious students chafing to break the parental bond. Go only if you brought your apron strings with you.

11 a.m.-3 p.m. Set up the stuff in your room. Spend at least 40 minutes deciding where to place that 8x10 color glossy of your boy/girl friends, as the case may be. Prominently display great books, prefeably dog-eared copies. Once you have unpacked, sit around and calmly wait for your new roommate(s). When he/she arrives, be friendly, by careful to assert your superiority. Trade SAT scores. Actually, this is a fairly grotesque practice, and it is regarded as boorish, but among roommates, all is fair. Brag about your exploits, academic, athletic, or sexual, depending on what will work best. If you didn't get the single, make sure you get your roommate to agree to switch at some equitable point. Afterwards, go to a bank and open a checking account. Look for a bank that offers free checking. Then, wander around the Yard, and get hopelessly lost at least once.

4:00 p.m. Reception for Minority Freshmen and Parents, Boylston Hall. If you are not a minority student, hand around in the Yard, watch others moving in. Make nasty comments. Play frisbee. If your parents are still around, bilk them into a meal at an expensive restaurant, where you will doubtless see most of the rest of your class and their parents, too.

8:00 p.m. to whenever. Hand around in your dorm. Tell outrageous lies to you roommates, and see how much you can get away with. (Remember, they're probably lying too.) Get drunk, or whatever. The first night I was here in 1975 was the best night of Freshman Week for me, because I met up with my future roommates, some ice, and a quart of Jim Beam. We've all been friends ever since.

Saturday, September 9

9 a.m.The new Freshman Dean's Office, situated on scenic Prescott Street (would you believe they dragged an entire house across the campus?), is scheduled to be open. That is, if they finish putting it together in time. But they may not, in which case their office will still be in University Hall, that Bullfinch-designed bastion of deans and suckups. Either way, they will be open, but you should be in bed.

10:00 a.m.-12:00; 2:00 p.m. -4:00 p.m. Assembly/Workshop of Minority Students. Worthwhile, since representative of all the established campus minority organizations will be there. If you are minority student, don't miss this meeting Seriously.

11:00 a.m. Wake up.

12:00. If your parents are still here, gently inform them that the absolute deadline for parental departure is right after dinner. That way, you can bilk yet another free meal out of them (this will become the basis of your relationship with them for the next four years) and they can spend time with their baby, their brand new Ivy League genius. Warn them that if they don't depart by them a gignatic parentvacuum tours the Yard at 9 p.m. If your parents weren't here to begin with or they've already taken the hint and taken off, find yourself some lunch and maybe go shopping for a while for room provisions. Go to Harvard Student Agencies and rent a refrigerator. Go see the folks at New England Telephone about getting a magic communicator-box. But don't get sheets from HSA--bring your own.

3:00 p.m. Play touch football in the Yard. If you have a TV, watch the baseball Game of the Week (NBC is Channel 4 around here). Drink beer and hang out. Meet people.

4:00 p.m. Faculty Discussion: "Education and Society: The Harvard Tradition." James Q. Wilson, Shattuck Professor of Government, will hold forth in Science Center B. Fondly known as "Captain Lock-em-Up," Wilson is an expert criminologist. The word briliant fits Wilson like on of the fancy suits he wears. So do the words conservative, archaic, and gradeslayer. Whatever, he'll be talking about how great Harvard is, and what a contribution it has made to society (yeah, and napalm was invented here, too), and so on. Skippable, although it might be intersting as a way of seeing how offical Harvard perceives itself (they like themselves.)