I think my mother said it best when she told me: "Stop eating with your fingers or I'll send you away from the table!"

Well, she never sent me away from the table, but both my parents sent me away to school instead, and today, on my 21st birthday, they sent me nothing.

So I've decided to take it out on you all, to let my hair down on some of the things happening in the sports world that really grate my cheese. You may not care, and if you don't it's probably because you don't understand. How could you? Believe me, I know your type, potty-trained at two weeks.

At any rate, here's my birthday present to me.

Nobodv asked me but...

Jimmy Liston should be fighting Muhammed Ali tonight instead of Leon Spinks.

When, oh when, is Kevin O'Donoghue going to grow his macho mustache back?

Glenn Fine looks plenty tall standing next to me.

How does Craig Beling find time to study amidst his stardom in three varsity sports every year?

Swimming coach Joe Bernal is a dead ringer for Neil Sedaka.

If the men's swim team hasn't "shaved down" for any of its meets this season, then how come none of them has any hair on his stomach?

There's no such thing as liquid soap in the showers at Dillon Field House.

Dartmouth's Winter Carnival seems to be the only way that the school can get normal people to come up there during the year.

I think Jim Curry is afraid to play his sister in one-on-one.

Satch Sanders should have played Dave Rogers more last year.

Satch Sanders should be playing Cornbread Maxwell much more this year.

If John Hynes didn't wear a mask when he played goalie, female attendance at hockey games would rise sharply.

I'm getting bored of Dan Sullivan high-jumping 6 ft. 10 in. to win the event. He belongs in Mel Embree territory.

Does anyone know the difference between foil and epee?

Frank McLaughlin not only got his temper from Digger Phelps, he also copped his wardrobe.

I'd like to see Mike Desaulniers try to hit a whiffle ball.

Pat Daly would be nowhere without his blow dryer.

If freshman Glenn Alexander beats out Alex Vik for the top spot on the golf team this spring, does that mean he'll run for Coop Board?

Joe Bertagna should shave that excuse for a beard off his face.

I'm getting tired of seeing the Philadelphia 76ers on T.V. every Sunday.

What did Red Sox color man Ken Harrelson do with all his Nehru jackets after they went out of style?

The wrestling team seems to get no support from anybody, except the photographers at The Globe.

The women's swim team should have a resident chiropractor for Maura Costin.

There isn't an athlete anywhere as classy as Gene Purdy.

B.U.'s hockey schedule is so easy the rest of the way, Harvard is the only club that stands half a chance of ruining their undefeated season.

I'd like to see freshman basketball coach and former Notre Dame star Ray "Dice" Martin suit up for one game to see if he can still do it.

I don't miss the rippling biceps of Scott Meadow.

Tuomo Kerola sounds like a Japanese two-door hardtop.

How do you end this type of column?

Maybe my parents will take me out to dinner next year if I promise not to eat with my fingers. Till then, many happy instant replays.