I think my mother said it best when she told me: "Stop eating with your fingers or I'll send you away from the table!"

Well, she never sent me away from the table, but both my parents sent me away to school instead, and today, on my 21st birthday, they sent me nothing.

So I've decided to take it out on you all, to let my hair down on some of the things happening in the sports world that really grate my cheese. You may not care, and if you don't it's probably because you don't understand. How could you? Believe me, I know your type, potty-trained at two weeks.

At any rate, here's my birthday present to me.

Nobodv asked me but...

Jimmy Liston should be fighting Muhammed Ali tonight instead of Leon Spinks.

When, oh when, is Kevin O'Donoghue going to grow his macho mustache back?

Glenn Fine looks plenty tall standing next to me.

How does Craig Beling find time to study amidst his stardom in three varsity sports every year?

Swimming coach Joe Bernal is a dead ringer for Neil Sedaka.

If the men's swim team hasn't "shaved down" for any of its meets this season, then how come none of them has any hair on his stomach?

There's no such thing as liquid soap in the showers at Dillon Field House.

Dartmouth's Winter Carnival seems to be the only way that the school can get normal people to come up there during the year.

I think Jim Curry is afraid to play his sister in one-on-one.

Satch Sanders should have played Dave Rogers more last year.