The jolly green dwarfs from up north will do anything to win a football game.

When the glorious Crimson sent the defeated Dartmouth drunkards back to their tundra turf Saturday for the fifth consecutive year, they hoped that a notably poor prank, in the form of a parody of Cambridge's Only Breakfast Table Daily, would ease the pain of returning to unfulfilled sexual lustings and bottmoless kegs of Budweiser.

"It seems we goofed again--you'd think we would learn the first time," said Mark Raabe, the Dartmouth senior who conceived the idea after failing hourlies in all four of his courses. The northwoods lumberjacks last published Crimson parodies in 1952, and 1965, promise they will not again show their faces in Cambridge for another 13 years.

Toga, Toga, Toga

"After you've seen Animal House for the seventh time, you look for something else to do," added John Gilberton, explaining why he and his Heineken buddies undertook such a useless project in the first place.

The latest Crimson parody, notably more witty, insightful, professional, informative, innovative, colorful, intelligable, and legible than a similar Lampoon undertaking last spring, claimed that the National Collegiate Athletic Association had suspended Harvard football for the remainder of the season because of the free use of cars routinely provided by the Department of Athletics to members of the football team.

"We really thought what we were writing was true," said Helen Davis, a Dartmouth co-ed who filled in as cheerleader when her best friend's pompom broke. "We gave up hope for the game weeks ago, and knew we'd have to cheat to have any chance of snapping our normally interminable losing streak," she added.

Members of the football team could not be reached for comment concerning the alleged allegations of the devious dimwits because they all left for a weekend of fun and frolic at the Cape in their Volkswagen Rabbits, Chevrolet Vegas, American Motors Pacers, and Audi 100LS's immediately following the game.

Unreal World

The wimps from the White Mountains also goofed in another part of the parody. They published a "Real World" section, a feature The Crimson has discontinued since the New York newspaper strike prompted an expanded coverage of national and international news.

"Golly gee whillikers," said the president of The Dartmouth when informed of his egregious error. "It takes a long time for news from the outside world to penetrate through the acres of unexplored virgin forests around out campus," he blubbered.

Contrary to any implications which may have been implied by the Old Men of the Mountains, The Crimson will publish tomorrow, and Wednesday.