January

Sources close to the Amherst College Presidential search committee report that Dean Henry Rosovsky has been offered the college's Presidency. Rosovsky declines comment. Two days later, Reginald Arnold Benedict IV, the had of the search committee, announces that "Henry Rosovsky will not be the next president of Amherst." Sources close to the search committee announce that Rosovsky said he could not abandon his review of undergraduate education "at this time."

Frank J. Weissbecker, director of University Food Services, announces that more soybeans will be gradually introduced into undergraduate meals. The "Soybeanization" program will initially concentrate on two of the three beans in Three Bean Salad and may eventually extend to Lime Sherbet, says the jubilant master chef.

In a move viewed as a partial concession to the powerful and militant Mather House Student Breakfast Lobby, Dean Fox irons a new wrinkle into the breakfast austerity game: cold breakfasts... in bed. The resurrected Harvard Enquirer runs a feature story on the so-called "wet blanket" plan, querying: "Is Dean Fox the New Marie Antionette?"

In an effort to demonstrate graphically the potential hazards of recombinant DNA research at Harvard, Cambridge Mayor Alfred E. Vellucci challenges a giant, 400-1b. recombinant clam to a wrestling match over a giant vat of linguini, "I'll come away with enough clam sauce for 100 campaigns," he avers. The clam wins, however, and eats the linguini with sauce marinara. Vellucci retires to Taormina, Sicily, to recuperate.

Chilean Generalissimo Augusto Pinochet reports that his junta has received an overwhelming vote of confidence. Says the Generalissimo. "Once we discounted invalid ballots cast by communists, anarchists, rebels, homosexuals, and the criminally insane, the vote of confidence was unanimous." Two million Chileans cannot be reached for comment.

In his annual State of the Union message, President Jimmy Carter says that while he is somewhat disappointed that his administration failed in most of its major initiatives, he considers his first year in office to have been very successful. He notes that he has failed either to balance the budget or to reduce unemployment significantly, and anticipates further such progress during the next three years.

At its January meeting, the Harvard Phi Beta Kappa chapter joins other campus groups in asking Harvard to divest its holdings in banks lending money to the South African government. President Bok declines comment.

February

The Administrative Board is forced to hold special "Double Sessions" and Saturday meetings when an anonymous tipster reveals that virtually the entire staff of the Harvard Independent--"Cambridge's only dinner table weekly"--have at one time or another served as KCIA agents. It is further alleged that many attempted to undermine the American governmental system by "packing" Gov 30 lectures and later taking James Q. Wilson, Shattuck Professor of Government, to lunch.

Sources close to the Cambridge City Council announce that Dean Henry Rosovsky "will not be the next mayor of Cambridge" because he does not feel he can abandon his review of undergraduate education "at this time." In a rare show of solidarity, the council unanimously selects the giant recombinant clam as the new mayor, after the clam promises to continue former Mayor Vellucci's practices of "keeping Harvard on its toes," "swing voting, and pastadigition.

John T. Bethell '53, editor of Harvard Magazine, announces that he was the one who "lost the religion that Larry Flynt found." Bethell says his first mission will be to "sex up" his floundering publication, but denies that his first project will be a "scratch 'n sniff" centerfold of Nathan Glazer.

March

Harvard announces that it has just signed a two-year, $2 million, no-cut contract with the Iranian government to develop and promote a giant amusement park complex outside Tehran. Chief Planner Harold Goyette calls the deal "an exciting prospect," adding that he has no reservations about being under contract to the repressive Iranian regime. "The kids will enjoy riding the roller coaster and the log flume. This will tend to 'open up' the regime, I think. I have no problem with any sort of torture in this case, save that bore of riding on substandard log flumes or roller coasters."

Sherman Holcombe, once-suspended Shop Steward of the Radcliffe Dining Halls, comes out of self-imposed retirement to release his autobiography, entitled Pimento. It is co-authored by Lillian Hellman, who claims that "like me, Sherman was the victim of a witch-hunt." Holcombe shakes up the press conference by telling Hellman to "speak for yourself."