The Crimson Santa presents his usual unusual Yuletide tidbits:

* Did you know that Santa Claus doesn't really exist?

* In statute miles, the North Pole is equidistant from Boston and Moscow. (In non-statute miles, the difference is almost embarrassingly large.)

* The largest-selling Christmas record of all time, Bing Crosby's "White Christmas," was originally written--in Yiddish--as a lullaby for infirm children.

* People who talk about "the crass commercialism of Christmas" every year are boring.

* Several Scandinavian countries observe such strict sanitation codes that sidewalk Santas are required to wear netting over their full-face beards, and department-store Santas are not permitted to hold children on their laps, but instead give youngsters warm handshakes (through plastic gloves--a must!) and small bags of health food.

* If you lived at the North Pole, no matter how much clothing you wore, you would freeze solid within 12 seconds.

* In the temperate climates, Christmas is celebrated on several days throughout the year, usually beginning with the first ten minutes of January 12.

Confidential to "Scared Wife:" I'm enclosing you a copy of my article dated December 14, 1953, in which I describe the case of a husband who was tragically electrocuted while trying to rig up an electric Christmas tree in his bathtub without first properly grounding his feet by wearing a pair of rubber boots and running wires all down his back. Your husband should watch what he's doing, or else Christmas may be a sad, rather than a happy, time.

Dried seaweed can often make an excellent substitute for tinsel on your "personalized Xmas" tree or you-know-what bush.

MerryLater,