First stop is Thayer Hall basement: Headquarters. Tacked up on the wall behind and above the head of the porter captain with the watchful eyes, there is a sign that reads: THOU SHALT NOT DRAG THE VACUUM CLEANERS. The captain sports an understandable frown considering the hour, "It's only eight o'clock," he says. "I have a nine o'clock class, wanna get it over with," the student porter answers. "You're supposed to work two hours in a row, it's not good to split it up like this." "I know." says the student porter as the captain signs him in. "You're liable to wake someone up, ya know."

The student porter does not respond to this. Instead he heads for the equipment room to pick up the tools of his trade. Two hours anytime between 8 a.m. and 4 p.m., five days a week. Ten hours at $3.75 an hour. $37.50 a week. The student porter knows the rules, the facts and figures, well enough. This job is helping to put him through school.

Following the checklist, the student porter gathers the needed implements. Mop bucket, mop. He is well aware of the danger involved in performing his function at this time of day. Playtex gloves. Some people are still sleeping. Sponge. They know him only as an early morning phantom who arrives with clinking pail on tip-toe. Broom. He recalls the morning he knocked, no answer, and entered, to find a couple obviously not expecting him, the girl screamed, the guy gurgled forth obscenities and the student porter dove into friendly porcelain territory locking the door behind him. Squeegee. And then there is the woman proctor who always answers the door half-dressed. Bab-O cleanser. And the people who always offer him a toke on one of their perpetual joints. And the messy sink of the person with the weak stomach. And the people with bad aim. Oh, the walls. Polishing rag. And the mirrors of those who stood too close doing battle with their blemishes. Plastic spray bottle. And those who left town without flushing. Damn them. "Johnny brush" with plastic bristles. That's just about everything. And thus weighted, the student porter climbs out into the sunlight of the Yard.

As always there are some stares. Awkward is the only way to carry all this stuff. Did he sense laughter, derision in the faces of some of those he passed by? He recalled the words of captain Joe Del Ponte '78: "Initially, for me, the job made me more class conscious. Through repeated exposure to all this disdain, I realized just how ridiculous the people doing the disdaining really were." And Del Ponte's further encouragement: "I've always extolled the virtue and the pride to be found in a job well done. At least that's what I tell my crews each year."

Somewhat inspired, the student porter arrives at the scene of his assignment.

Before waking the superintendent, the student porter looks out the window of the House office and sees captain Bonny Landers '77 in the distance. She waves. He remembers how she told him that she was one of the first women ever to clean toilets in the Yard. She did not find her gender to be a disadvantage. Freshman year, she was assigned to Holworthy, an all-male dorm at that time.

"My first day on the job I was supposed to do this guy's bathroom. He looked down at my bucket, looked at me, and closed the door. But they caught on after awhile. It got so they would say 'just a minute,' rush in and get rid of everything I wasn't supposed to see. And sometimes five or six guys would stand around and watch me while I worked."

And now she is a captain. Probably on her way to inspect somewhere.

The student porter does not relish the though of inspection. In fact, he doesn't like to be inspected at all.

A thorough inspection takes into account the floor, the walls, windows and ledges, all horizontal surfaces, mirrors, sinks, showers and bathtubs, toilets and wall urinals. The faults that may be found are water spots, dry caked-on soap and grease build-up evidenced by beading water on the sides of the sink. The severity of an inspection depends on the personality of the inspector. Some are tougher than others.

Each captain fills out a bathroom inspection sheet when he makes his rounds. The top of the sheet reads: "A record of this report is being made part of your personal file in the student porter program office. You are encouraged to perform your duties efficiently, paying particular attention to the deficiencies and recommendations found during this inspection."

The student porter can receive a grade of good, adequate, or poor, and he always does well overall. But he fails the white glove test in the sub-categories, especially where the water runs most often. TOILETS: chrome fixtures--good, top and inside area--adequate, underneath area--poor, area to the rear--poor. SHOWERS AND BATHTUBS: chrome fixtures--good, soap dish--adequate, floor and bottom twelve inches of wall..."What???

"You heard me," said the captain.

"You gotta be kiddin', that's absurd."

"Maybe so, but it keeps you honest."