God moves in mysterious ways, and so do professional athletes.

Take Renee Richards. Karl Marx thought you needed a hammer and sickle to work material changes on "objective conditions," but Renee has proven that a less than lethal dosage of gonadotrophins and a stainless steel blade can do the trick just as nicely. With a single stroke, she revolutionized tennis. Which only goes to show that professional wrestling is the greatest sport on earth.

Remember: when Renee was amateur proctologist Richard Raskind, her only claim to fame was being voted America's eleventh least masculine man by the Department of Defense. Who ever heard of her? Then she gets the old switcheroo, and vwallah! She becomes an overnight bombshell--famous the world over for her rowdy racqueteering. She really took the ballboys by storm. She was voted America's most famous and respected female athlete by Ladies Home Journal--and she'd only been a woman for 24 days!

The lesson to anyone with enough brains to pose for Nipsy Russell's scrapbook, my friends, is appallingly obvious.

Clearly, any ad executive or diminutive South American who couldn't shoplift his way out of a rest room smoking rap could become one of the smartest and best stacked female athletes in the Universe. Take Abdullah the Butcher, known to the fans as Allah's Gentle Persuader.

Formerly, Abdullah smoked nine packs of Gaullois a day, and had a "driving under the influence" record with the friendly men-in-blue rivaled only by vice-presidential hopeful Tom Eagleton. But--and this will be the biggest moolah to come down the old ivory tube since our last ish--he's taken the fatal step and pulled a fast one, so look out, world!

Fat Boys

He is now ABBY BUTCHER, she-golem of Iran, and only smokes half a pack of Larks a day.

Abby Butcher--imagine that!!!

O.K. buddies, you haven't seen stats till you've taken the fat boys and eschewed them into the golden mean we see today. Abdullah:

Education 6th grade

I.Q. 173

Weight 319/320

as compared with Abby:

Education Ph.D from Harvard. Yale and Dartmouth