Bet you think writing sports is pretty boring, huh? Well you're wrong, pal. You wouldn't believe the mail that floods my office daily; people ask me about everything--from football to fooling around--and for weeks I've been keeping it a secret from my reading public.

But the time is now at hand to air these poor souls' questions and problems so that my responses can be a lesson to us all. The lesson: never take me seriously.

So let's empty out the ol' mail bag:

Dear B.S.,

I have this problem. I've been dating this guy for three weeks who I really like. Unfortunately, every time we go out he brings his roommate with him. I can't stand his roommate. I've told him about it, but he says it's within his rights to bring another guy along. Is there anything I can do?

Signed,

Two on One

Dear Two on One:

There certainly is something you can do about it! National Hockey League rules state that the "Third Person In" is unfair and that "said person" must be ejected from the contest and subject to a fine. So, you can get this guy out of the way and make some money on the side.

Dear B.S.,

I was at a couple of basketball games last year and I noticed that the band didn't play at any of them. Why is that?

Signed,

Sounds of Silence

Dear Sounds,

The answer is simple. Before Coach Tom Sanders came to Harvard he was offered a spot with the Four Tops. Despite a terrific baritone voice, Satch turned the offer down. The band found out about this and now refuses to play at home games. They feared that Satch might break into "For Once In My Life" in the middle of the third quarter.